Ask the Pope

Saturday, April 30, 2005

My New Coat of Arms


I want to send out much love to my boy, Tito.
He has redesigned my Coat of Arms and has totally captured my passions.
He’s added my Escalade, my wine, and my bling.

I gotta get this put on my stationary and business cards right away. I might even have this sewn on my Egyptian cotton bath robe.

I'm feeling so much love right now from my peeps visiting this site. Thank you so much. I'm pouring out some wine for all ya'll tonight. Believe that.

Awkward Pauses in Conversation

Last night, I was having a wonderful evening with a group of Cardinals. We went out for Sushi at this little Japanese restaurant. Everything was fine until there was this awkward pause in our conversation.

I’m not sure how or why it happened, but everyone just stopped talking. It was like nobody could think of anything to say. I tried to get the conversation going by asking some questions, but nothing worked. I felt like we were all in an elevator and just staring at one another.

I ordered another Asahi and randomly talked about the trouble it took to buy my new Air Force Ones. It’s not the most exciting conversation starter, but at least I was trying.

One of the Cardinals wasn’t a fan of my new shoes and said, “it’s not appropriate for the new Pope to be sportin’ Air Force Ones.” I appreciated his bluntness, but I told him that I’ll wear these shoes whether he liked it or not. I need to represent for my peeps in the Vatican.

He nodded his head in agreement and raised his little cup of Saki to apologize. I tilted my Asahi his way and we both took a drink.

Anyway, awkward pauses in conversations always bother me, and I’m never quite sure what to do or say. I guess I should figure out an answer to this soon.

My First Pilgrimage

I really hate traveling, but it’s part of my new job. I’m heading to Bari, Italy for the 24th National Eucharistic Conference. Try saying that ten times quickly.

My trip beings on May 29th, so I’m getting a luxury suite at a nearby hotel. But because of my celebrity status, I’m using a fake name. I know it’s breaking a commandment to lie, but what’s a Pope to do? I don’t want any trouble.

I’ve also requested the hotel give me a full bar of soap in my bathroom. I’m tired of those little credit card sized soaps that they always give me. The little things always dissolve before I can even wash my legs. But now that I’m Pope, I can request a full bar of soap and actually get it. Believe that.

Now it’s time to lather up with some of the Cool Water Cologne that Snoop sent me. I have to go out tonight.

Friday, April 29, 2005

A Room With a View

I really need help designing my new room. It’s not very homey right now.
When I walk inside, I feel very uncomfortable--like Tupac during his last years with Death Row Records.

Everything about my room makes me feel like I’m living in a medieval castle. I need to brighten this place up with some plantation shudders and a bay window. I also need a new color treatment on my walls. I hate the faux marbling on my walls. It looks so tacky—almost offensive. I’m thinking a moss green paint would look nice.

I also need a mini bar with a couple bottles of Roederer Cristal Rose-Limited 750. You know what I mean?

I’d also like a nice shag rug. I can’t stand walking on the cold marble anymore. There’s just something about wiggling my toes in shag carpet that makes me feel good.

My Air Force Ones

nike air force 1

I got some new dope shoes yesterday at a local store in Rome. They’re the Nike Air Force Ones that Nelly was singing about a while ago. I have always wanted this pair, but I could never afford them before. I love that sweet red stripe.

You’d never know I’m wearing them because they hide beneath my robe, but you might catch a glimpse when I hop into my Escalade.

These shoes are tight. Not tight—like it hurts. But tight—like it makes me look dope.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

My Pope Pez


I want to thank one of my fellow visitors for designing this beautiful PEZ dispenser for me. As you know, I love PEZ and often chew them between long readings in mass.

If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to start selling these in the Vatican gift shop, right next to my Pope (Soap) on a Rope.

I’m going to have the following slogan on every PEZ dispenser package: “Eat a PEZ, and Save a Soul from Purgatory.”

These babies will sell like crazy--just like my statutes of St. Francis.

My Horrid Coat of Arms

Have you seen my new coat of arms? It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.


There’s an image of a bear with a red target on his back. Is that supposed to imply that I can’t hunt unless the animal has a target on its body. First off, I don’t hunt. Second of all, I don’t need a target if I’m going to shoot. It’s all very insulting.

At the bottom of the coat, there’s this ugly seashell, which matches the décor in my restroom. And, as I told you before, I loathe nautical themes.

And then there’s this image of an Ethiopian woman at the top left, which is supposed to promote diversity and tolerance.

I guess they’re trying to pull me away from my horrid Nazi Germany background. I like the attempt to break me away from my disturbing heritage, but this cheap, cartoonish figure of a black woman looks like something out of a Fat Albert comic. It’s totally racist. I might as well have a drunk KLAN member on my coat of arms, too. Give me a break!

The whole thing looks like something a clown should wear. I’m not freakin’ Cirque De Soli—I’m the Pope. I wish they would understand that.

I guess I’m more upset that nobody asked me about what I wanted. I’m the Pope, right? I should have some say in what my coat of arms looks like. I should also have a say on who designs it. I’d like to see what the FUBU design team or Sean Jean could do for me. I’d like to have a little “bling” in my coat of arms, if you don’t mind.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

My Speech at St. Peter’s Square

Some people feel scared when talking to large groups of people. I’ve never had that problem. It’s probably one of the reasons why I was picked to be Pope. Well, that’s just one reason. I’m sure there are hundreds, or thousands, or probably billions of reasons why I was chosen. And I applaud their choice. Well done.

Today, I spoke to over 15,000 people in St. Peter’s Square. It was exhilarating. Most people would be freaking out to speak to so many people, but not me.

To prepare myself, I went backstage and shadowboxed a bit to get into the right frame of mind. I then took a swig of some communion wine to calm down. I said a little prayer and poured out some wine on the ground to respect the memory of Pope John Paul. Much love, much respect.

I think everything went over well. I sure hope nobody smelled my breath. Peace out.

Mo’ Money, Fewer Problems

The late Notorious B.I.G. said, “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.”  And he was wrong.

I’ve never had more access to money in my life, and I can honestly say that I now have fewer problems.

People often misquote the Bible by saying that “Money is the root of all evil.”  But the Scripture says, “The love of money is the root of all evil.”  There’s a B.I.G. difference.

I don’t love money. It's just really nice having it around.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Popemobile Trouble

I ran late to a meeting yesterday in the Paul VI Hall.

My popemobile has been giving me nothing but problems. We couldn’t get the thing started. It was really embarassing.

I need to get one of those new Escalades, with an open top. I want it all white with some nice chrome spinning rim. I’ll also need hydraulics to give me a lift when the crowds around me get out of control.

My Ringtone

I’m looking for a new ringtone for my mobile cell phone. My current ringtone is Jay-Z’s “99 problems.” It’s the censored version of course, but I don’t think it’s appropriate anymore.

Monday, April 25, 2005

The Restroom in the Vatican

The restrooms in the Vatican have these little decorative hand soaps. Whoever put them there sure likes the ocean because all the soaps have a nautical theme. There’s this porcelain dish, which looks like a shell, filled with various fish soaps.

I don’t feel right about washing my hands with a starfish.

I prefer liquid soap.

Everyone isn’t replaceable.

People ask me all the time what it’s like being the new pope. I tell them that it’s like any other new job, except I can’t retire or be fired at this one. And not only that, but I’m practically guaranteed to go to heaven when I die. So that’s a bonus.

The Vatican is not a terrible place to live either. The only down part is that I have to wear socks at night. The floor can get quite cold, which makes my nightly trips to the restroom a little discouraging.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I'm sad today.

MTV passed on my “Pope My Ride” television show idea. I’m pretty bummed out right now. I need to find that Communion wine.

Today's the big day.

The Mass of Papal Installation is today. I need to shower and clip my nails.
My nails grow really fast for some reason.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Someone isn't always better than you.

My mom used to tell me "There's always someone smarter, bigger, and better than you, so be humble." She said it in German of course--which sounds a bit more harsh than English because of the accent.

Well, that philosophy is not true for me. I've reached the top of the pile. There is no one on earth (or the Universe for that matter) that is better than me. I am the best at what I do.

I don't talk about it much because I'm humble, but it's true. I've worked hard and now I've made it. And you can too. You can't be Pope like me, but I'm sure you can excel in some area.

If my mom were alive today, I'd tell her that she was wrong. Dead wrong.

Bless You

I love having a job where I get paid to make people feel happy and blessed. I can literally walk into a room and some people start crying because they feel so happy to see me. If I merely smile at them and whisper a blessing, I've made their year--maybe even their lifetime.

Some people feel inclined to kneel at my feet and kiss my hand. It was strange at first, but I'm starting to get used to it. I now carry those disinfecting wipes to clean my hands when they leave. You never know where those lips have been.

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Youth of the World

I really want to reach out to the youth of the world. I know that many kids watch MTV, and it’s my hope to get a show on that network. Here are my proposed shows:

Pope My Ride
This is a show where I would visit someone’s house and get their car all tricked up with Roman Catholic paraphernalia. I’d get them bulletproof glass (just like my pope mobile) and then get little statues of saints all over their front hood. I’ll even bless their motor oil. I’ll make sure their ride is Poped-out.

Pope Joe Show
This is a show that would follow my daily life—sort of like the Anna Nicole show. I think people would be surprised at my hectic schedule and how I deal with my daily dilemmas.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

My First Blog

I can't believe I'm getting installed as the new Pope on April 24. It's hard to sleep.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Axl Rose, John Milton and Paradise Lust

That with no middle flight intends to soar
Above th' Aonian mount, while it pursues
Things unattempted yet in prose or rhyme.
Paradise Lost, Book 1:14-16

Inspired by his readings of Milton's Paradise Lost, a young Axl Rose took his pen to turn Milton's epic tale into a popular rock tune. Rose believed that if he could combine the story of Paradise Lost and mingle it with blaring guitar riffs and a melodic high-pitched singing voice, he might be the one to help return his nineteen-eighties audience to the writings of John Milton.

In 1984, Rose began writing "Paradise City," the first epic masterpiece prior to "November Rain" which can be found on the "Use Your Illusion" album set. Originally titled Paradise Lust, the Geffen record label was forced to change the name to due to copyright violations.

After spending literally hundreds of hours working along side the literary departments at Oxford, Princeton, Harvard and Cambridge, Axl Rose met up with Slash, one of the fellows at King College in Cambridge, and the two of them began writing an epic recreation of Paradise Lost in musical form. The two of them worked diligently night and day in flights of passion, letting the poetry flow through their body--much like the muses of heroin that already flowed in their veins.

And though Rose and Slash spent months refining the meter and wording of "Paradise City," the creativity started to slow down. Slash and Axl were infected with a small case of writers block from a whorish dose of marijuana they shared one drunken evening. It seemed like their creative energies had come to a stand still, and that's when they met Duff (one of Oxford's leading librarians). Duff offered his advice on how to work out a chorus in their poem that would implement the drama of Paradise Lost, book 6. Axl and Slash quickly recruited Duff to join their merry troupe and they called themselves Milton's Angels. They would later be known as Guns 'N' Roses due to pressures from their colleagues at Princeton.

In "Paradise City," Rose takes on the role of Satan (as a doomed cherub) that has just fallen from Heaven for leading an angelic rebellion. He playfully sings:

Just a' urchin livin' under the street
I'm a hard case that's tough to beat
I'm your charity case
So buy me somethin' to eat

The first quatrain doesn't hold to an identifiable English meter. Instead, as with strokes of genius, Axl rebels against classical meter just as Satan rebelled against Heaven. He playfully organizes his words like an opium-induced Coleridge, yet Rose's poetry remains much more witty due to his undying love of Captain Morgan rum and the writings of Charles Bukowski.

He begins the poem stressing the syllables in "urchin," metaphorically referring to Satan in his new life as a bottom-dweller. The Satan/Urchin metaphor stunned English departments around the world, causing jealous scholars to disregard Rose's work as blatant plagiarism. Nobody could imagine that such genius could be contained in a thin, long- haired man that drank malt liquor all day. One professor cited Rose's work as "the worst form of plagiarism since Cat Stevens stole 'Oh baby, it's a wild world' from Nietzche."

Monday, April 04, 2005

Interview with Joseph Ratzinger (excerpt)

April 4, 2005

Vatican H.R. Department:
Hello, Cardinal Ratzinger. Please take a seat.

Where are the Cardinals?

Vatican H.R. Department:
We’ll, I work in HR for the Vatican and I’m sort of the first step in the interviewing process. You probably didn’t expect a woman to be interviewing you.

We’ll I have no problem with women. I wouldn’t marry one, but women are wonderful. I wish them well in whatever career path they take—except for Pope. You can’t have a woman for Pope, but I imagine they could do most any other job. Oh, and they can’t be a Cardinal either, but other than that they could do most anything.

I think feminism is a great movement. I didn’t like the bra burning, though.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Can I get you anything to drink before we start?

I’ve had enough holy water this morning. (giggling) Or was that the Communion wine? I’m just kidding. I don’t like the wine we have here. I prefer Pinot.

Vatican H.R. Department:
You seem to be trembling, are you okay?

Just nervous. I’m not shaking because I’m old if that’s what you’re getting … and I assume you’re just interviewing me for political reasons. You’re probably looking to hire a younger Pope—much like John Paul. Well, let me tell you something, ageism is wrong. We ought not to judge people based on their age, but rather their ability. You can quote me on that.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Okay, well let’s begin.
Explain your view on Communion?

You better use the best wine available. As you know, I prefer Pinot. I’m also not a big fan of bread. I’m on this low-carb diet. I prefer wheat tortillas.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Tell me about a Mass that really had an impact on your life?

When I was 16, I got this terrible cyst on the back of my neck. People made fun of me and it was very painful. We shouldn’t judge people based on their appearances. Michael Jackson does look a little odd, though.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Where do you want to be in 5 years?

I’d like to still be living, if that’s what you’re asking.

Vatican H.R. Department:
No, I meant, where do you see yourself in the future?

Well, if I am living in 5 years, I suppose I’d like to be traveling the world.

I would also like to travel space, if that’s possible. I’ve heard that space travel is not too far off, right? I mean for non-astronauts.

Traveling space would be interesting, I think. I’m sure there’s never been a Pope in space--well, I mean, while alive. I’m sure once someone is dead--especially a Pope--their soul can go anywhere. Well, not anywhere. But, probably most places.

As a soul, I wouldn’t travel to Antartica for instance. Nothing to do there. It would be quite boring there, I’d imagine. The polar bears would be nice to look at though.

Although, there is a lot of time in eternity so maybe a visit to Antartica might be a nice at some point. A break between my vacations in the Hamptons. I doubt Antartica would be cold. A soul—as I understand it—has no physical form and thus no physical feeling.

So, I guess if I were dead in 5 years, I would be traveling space. If I’m still alive in 5 years, then I hope I could travel space, too (at a reasonable rate). I’m talking about cost—not speed.

Next question.