Ask the Pope

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Project Runway

I typically don’t like reality shows, but I’m severely addicted to watching Project Runway. It’s my little escape.

When you’re trying to solve world hunger all day, you need to take a break sometimes and look at what’s happening in the fashion industry. It’s my natural anti-depressant.

Anyway, I missed the show yesterday due to a late night mass.

I wasn’t too worried about finding out what happened because I have TIVO.

Well, my assistant just spoiled the ending by telling me who got kicked off. He just came into my office ranting about last night’s results. I didn’t even have a chance to stop him.

I’m pretty upset right now.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Waiting for Gouda

There’s nothing more upsetting than opening up a good bottle of merlot and realizing you don’t have any good cheese to enjoy it with.

I had a bit of brie in my fridge, but I was really in the mood for some smoked gouda.

I thought, by chance, my servant might have accidentally put the gouda in my fruit bin by accident, so I got on my knees and shuffled through the bottom of my fridge. I searched all over the place, but couldn’t find anything acceptable.

It was during that mad moment of searching for smoked gouda when I realized what people addicted to drugs must feel like. You not only want the drug (or gouda), but you’ll do anything to get it.

I said a short prayer to quell my hungry mind, and decided the humble route would be to just eat the brie.

Such is the life of the humble.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Divinely Handsome

I really don’t like biased journalism. It gets me very upset whenever I read news that is slanted toward a certain opinion, instead of just reporting the facts.

I read an article today entitled “God’s gift to women.” And I have to say that I started to blush because I thought the article was either about me or Brad Pitt.

Anyway, the article isn’t about us—it’s instead about my personal assistant, Georg. The article says “he has been compared to George Clooney and Hugh Grant.” And it even refers to him as being “divinely handsome.”

I’m sorry, but how come nobody interviewed me for this article? He’s not all that handsome. I’ve seen him in the spa with just a towel on--and trust me--he’s just a 7 out of 10.

Okay, maybe an 8.

But divinely handsome? Please.

Where have you been?

So I’m at a breakfast today, and Georg tells me that I ought to explain why I haven’t been blogging. He says my readers will get upset if I don’t tell them what I’ve been up to.

And he tells me this right after I put a forkful of eggs in my mouth. And no, it wasn’t eggs benedict.

So I’m sitting there chewing, wishing I could respond immediately, but I have to wait and swallow first. So after a couple seconds, I tell him:

“Look, I’ve been trying to save the world from poverty for the last few months. Oh, and I’m also trying to stop a little holy war from happening. Yeah, just trying to stop wars and ease the suffering of people around the world. I wonder if my readers will be satisfied with that answer.

He then says that I shouldn’t get so upset about it. He was just trying to offer a suggestion.

I said, “How about this for a suggestion, instead of playing tennis in your Nike shorts all day, why don’t you pass me the butter. My toast is getting cold now.”

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

It’s hard out there for a Pope

Between juggling my speaking engagements, mass services, visits with world leaders, writing a new catechism, and saving souls from purgatory, I’m pretty worn out.

My doctor recently prescribed me Xanex to calm my nerves.

While picking up my prescription, the pharmacist said “I hope you have a good day.”

I wasn’t sure if she said that in the generic “have a good day” way, or if she meant it in the “hope the anxiety medicine works for you” type of way.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

St. Valentine

St. Valentine
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.
People ask me if I get depressed on Valentine’s Day. They think that just because I don’t have a wife that I must be depressed.

Well, being single doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t need a woman to make me feel loved. I’m loved all over the world.

I’ve thought about getting married in the past, but now I shudder at the thought. I can’t deal with a nagging wife.

Imagine that I have to go to Africa to perform a miracle and save someone from death. But then my wife gets upset that I’m leaving on a business trip again.

Do you think I’m going to let someone die because my wife wants me at home?

I don’t think so. I’d probably end up slamming the front door and telling her that we’ll talk about it when I get home.

This, no doubt, will get her upset and she’ll make some sly comment about how everyone thinks that I’m so holy, but I’m really an unloving husband.

That type of comment will get me really upset.

At that point, I’ll probably tell her that if she says a word of this to anyone I’ll excommunicate her and make sure she stays in purgatory for a very long time.

And that’s not a kind of home life I want. I prefer living the life of a bachelor.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

20-Minutes with Laura Bush

I have a 20-minute meeting scheduled with Laura Bush tomorrow. She requested to meet with me because she loves my new book. I try to meet with my fans whenever I get a chance, but it gets tough with my hectic schedule.

She was a bit disappointed that I could only meet with her for twenty minutes, but that’s the way it must be. I’m a busy Pope. I have souls to pray for so they can get out of purgatory.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I'm Upset with My Swiss Army

swiss army

I’ve never had a reason to get upset with my Swiss Army until this morning, after I read a quote from one of my colonels:

“Protecting Benedict XVI is easier than protecting his globetrotting predecessor Jean-Paul II,” Col Elmar Maeder said yesterday. "Benedict doesn't move about much and when he does it's usually inside the Vatican City, an area that we know inside out," he said.

Excuse me? I’m easier to protect because I don’t “move about much.” I move around plenty. Just because I don’t travel around the world for publicity like Jean-Paul II doesn’t mean I’m easy.

I feel totally humiliated right now.

It’s especially depressing because my army dresses like circus performers. They can’t run very quickly in their uniforms and they wouldn’t be able to do much with their spears and swords anyway.