tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-123424972024-03-07T20:41:10.460+01:00Ask the PopeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger159125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1157039729377667362006-08-31T17:54:00.000+02:002006-08-31T17:55:29.506+02:00Project RunwayI typically don’t like reality shows, but I’m severely <a href="http://www.bravotv.com/Project_Runway/">addicted to watching Project Runway</a>. It’s my little escape. <br /><br />When you’re trying to solve world hunger all day, you need to take a break sometimes and look at what’s happening in the fashion industry. It’s my natural anti-depressant. <br /><br />Anyway, I missed the show yesterday due to a late night mass. <br /><br />I wasn’t too worried about finding out what happened because I have TIVO.<br /><br />Well, my assistant just spoiled the ending by telling me who got kicked off. He just came into my office ranting about last night’s results. I didn’t even have a chance to stop him. <br /><br />I’m pretty upset right now.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com41tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1156888354000294972006-08-29T23:49:00.000+02:002006-08-30T06:26:04.616+02:00Waiting for Gouda<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6536/1041/1600/smoked-gouda.0.png"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6536/1041/200/smoked-gouda.png" border="0" alt="" /></a> There’s nothing more upsetting than opening up a good bottle of merlot and realizing you don’t have any good cheese to enjoy it with. <br /><br />I had a bit of brie in my fridge, but I was really in the mood for some smoked gouda.<br /><br />I thought, by chance, my servant might have accidentally put the gouda in my fruit bin by accident, so I got on my knees and shuffled through the bottom of my fridge. I searched all over the place, but couldn’t find anything acceptable. <br /><br />It was during that mad moment of searching for smoked gouda when I realized what people addicted to drugs must feel like. You not only want the drug (or gouda), but you’ll do anything to get it. <br /><br />I said a short prayer to quell my hungry mind, and decided the humble route would be to just eat the brie. <br /><br />Such is the life of the humble.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1156333986408540932006-08-23T13:52:00.000+02:002006-08-23T13:53:06.476+02:00Divinely Handsome<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6536/1041/1600/pope_rap.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6536/1041/200/pope_rap.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a> I really don’t like biased journalism. It gets me very upset whenever I read news that is slanted toward a certain opinion, instead of just reporting the facts.<br /><br />I read an article today entitled “<a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/city_life/story/445732p-375303c.html">God’s gift to women</a>.” And I have to say that I started to blush because I thought the article was either about me or Brad Pitt. <br /><br />Anyway, the article isn’t about us—it’s instead about my personal assistant, Georg. The article says “<a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/city_life/story/445732p-375303c.html">he has been compared to George Clooney and Hugh Grant</a>.” And it even refers to him as being “divinely handsome.”<br /><br />I’m sorry, but how come nobody interviewed me for this article? He’s not all that handsome. I’ve seen him in the spa with just a towel on--and trust me--he’s just a 7 out of 10. <br /><br />Okay, maybe an 8.<br /><br />But divinely handsome? Please.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1156332246879977802006-08-23T13:20:00.000+02:002006-08-23T13:24:28.073+02:00Where have you been?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6536/1041/1600/breakfast.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/6536/1041/200/breakfast.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a> So I’m at a breakfast today, and <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/city_life/story/445732p-375303c.html">Georg</a> tells me that I ought to explain why I haven’t been blogging. He says my readers will get upset if I don’t tell them what I’ve been up to. <br /><br />And he tells me this right after I put a forkful of eggs in my mouth. And no, it wasn’t eggs benedict.<br /><br />So I’m sitting there chewing, wishing I could respond immediately, but I have to wait and swallow first. So after a couple seconds, I tell him:<br /><br />“Look, I’ve been trying to save the world from poverty for the last few months. Oh, and I’m also trying to stop a little holy war from happening. Yeah, just trying to stop wars and ease the suffering of people around the world. I wonder if my readers will be satisfied with that answer.<br /><br />He then says that I shouldn’t get so upset about it. He was just trying to offer a suggestion.<br /><br />I said, “How about this for a suggestion, instead of <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/city_life/story/445732p-375303c.html">playing tennis in your Nike shorts</a> all day, why don’t you pass me the butter. My toast is getting cold now.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1142377566662590642006-03-15T00:05:00.000+01:002006-03-15T00:06:06.796+01:00It’s hard out there for a PopeBetween juggling my speaking engagements, mass services, visits with world leaders, writing a new catechism, and saving souls from purgatory, I’m pretty worn out. <br /><br />My doctor recently prescribed me Xanex to calm my nerves. <br /><br />While picking up my prescription, the pharmacist said “I hope you have a good day.”<br /><br />I wasn’t sure if she said that in the generic “have a good day” way, or if she meant it in the “hope the anxiety medicine works for you” type of way.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com65tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1139899211684903282006-02-14T07:40:00.000+01:002006-02-14T07:40:12.203+01:00St. Valentine<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/99579788/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/25/99579788_cc729ddf69_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/99579788/">St. Valentine</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/62926847@N00/">Joseph Ratzinger</a>. </span></div>People ask me if I get depressed on Valentine’s Day. They think that just because I don’t have a wife that I must be depressed. <br /><br />Well, being single doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t need a woman to make me feel loved. I’m loved all over the world. <br /><br />I’ve thought about getting married in the past, but now I shudder at the thought. I can’t deal with a nagging wife.<br /><br />Imagine that I have to go to Africa to perform a miracle and save someone from death. But then my wife gets upset that I’m leaving on a business trip again. <br /><br />Do you think I’m going to let someone die because my wife wants me at home? <br /><br />I don’t think so. I’d probably end up slamming the front door and telling her that we’ll talk about it when I get home.<br /><br />This, no doubt, will get her upset and she’ll make some sly comment about how everyone thinks that I’m so holy, but I’m really an unloving husband.<br /><br />That type of comment will get me really upset. <br /><br />At that point, I’ll probably tell her that if she says a word of this to anyone I’ll excommunicate her and make sure she stays in purgatory for a very long time.<br /><br />And that’s not a kind of home life I want. I prefer living the life of a bachelor.<br clear="all" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1139431627241237372006-02-08T21:45:00.000+01:002006-02-08T21:47:07.456+01:0020-Minutes with Laura BushI have a <a href="http://www.cwnews.com/news/viewstory.cfm?recnum=42306">20-minute meeting scheduled with Laura Bush tomorrow</a>. She requested to meet with me because she loves my new book. I try to meet with my fans whenever I get a chance, but it gets tough with my hectic schedule. <br /><br />She was a bit disappointed that I could only meet with her for twenty minutes, but that’s the way it must be. I’m a busy Pope. I have souls to pray for so they can get out of purgatory.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1138045077593480022006-01-23T20:37:00.000+01:002006-01-23T20:43:57.523+01:00I'm Upset with My Swiss Army<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/90303434/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/19/90303434_58f40029f3_m.jpg" width="240" height="167" alt="swiss army" /></a><br /><br />I’ve never had a reason to get upset with my Swiss Army until this morning, after I read a quote from one of my colonels: <br /><br /><a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2006/01/23/wguard23.xml&sSheet=/news/2006/01/23/ixnewstop.html">“Protecting Benedict XVI is easier than protecting his globetrotting predecessor Jean-Paul II,” Col Elmar Maeder said yesterday. "Benedict doesn't move about much and when he does it's usually inside the Vatican City, an area that we know inside out," he said.</a><br /><br />Excuse me? I’m easier to protect because I don’t “move about much.” I move around plenty. Just because I don’t travel around the world for publicity like Jean-Paul II doesn’t mean I’m easy. <br /><br />I feel totally humiliated right now. <br /><br />It’s especially depressing because my army dresses like circus performers. They can’t run very quickly in their uniforms and they wouldn’t be able to do much with their spears and swords anyway.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1137802557230398322006-01-21T01:15:00.000+01:002006-01-21T01:15:57.386+01:00Holy Sweat<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/89072932/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/17/89072932_1468fbab21_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/89072932/">holy sweat</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/62926847@N00/">Joseph Ratzinger</a>. </span></div>If you think holy water is valuable, think about papal sweat.<br /><br />I wonder how much my handkerchief would be worth on eBay.<br clear="all" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1137126031194191532006-01-13T05:20:00.000+01:002006-01-13T05:20:31.376+01:00Lord of the Rings<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/83244082/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/42/83244082_5139a36ec8_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/83244082/">model castles bore me</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/62926847@N00/">Joseph Ratzinger</a>. </span></div>I sent an email to Peter Jackson several months ago to tell him about my love of his "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. <br /><br />He invited me to visit New Zealand to check out some of the locations where he shot the movie. Needless to say, I was very excited. <br /><br />When I arrived, he gave me a tour of his special effects studio, where they shot many of the pivotal scenes. <br /><br />Well, it turns out that the whole movie is a sham. They didn’t actually film anything in real castles. They used model castles instead. This was very disappointing news.<br /><br />Apparently most people know this, but I had no clue. I’m not very hip on movie special effects.<br clear="all" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1136612932455592112006-01-07T06:48:00.000+01:002006-01-07T06:48:01.090+01:00All Eyez on Me<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/83244081/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/42/83244081_d134021ce2_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/83244081/">dark circles around my eyes</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/62926847@N00/">Joseph Ratzinger</a>. </span></div>Things have been extremely busy for me this New Year. <br /><br />I’ve had dozens of speaking engagements, book tour events, communion services, and photo shoots. It’s been exhausting. <br /><br />The worst part is that my complexion is beginning to suffer. The dark circles around my eyes are getting worse. I’ve started using a concealer, but it doesn’t seem to be working. <br /><br />One of my Cardinals suggested that I rub almond oil and mint leaves over the dark circles. Another Cardinal told me to massage powdered Vitamin E around my eyes.<br /><br />I really need to start taking better care of myself.<br clear="all" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1136132909796487162006-01-01T17:23:00.000+01:002006-01-01T17:28:29.930+01:00Happy New Year!I'm sitting at home watching all these entertainment news show talking about the best of 2005. They're talking about Jessica Simpson, Johnny Carson, etc... but nobody has mentioned me yet. <br /><br />I thought for sure that I'd get some sort of mention. It's just a little disappointing.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1136047020013191042005-12-31T17:28:00.000+01:002005-12-31T17:37:00.120+01:00Choir MusicI’m getting a little tired of <a href="http://www.catholicnews.com/data/stories/cns/0507412.htm">listening to choir music</a>. There’s only so much a Pope can take. <br /><br />I appreciate their efforts, but I’m beginning to abhor choirs, especially when they sing: “<a href="http://www.cwnews.com/news/viewstory.cfm?recnum=41552">Tu es Petrus</a>.” <br /><br />It reminds me of when that Counting Crows song, “Mr. Jones” was released. It’s a great song, but the radio played it over and over again to the point that I couldn’t stand it anymore. <br /><br />Too much of a good thing . . .Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1135530402510116332005-12-25T18:06:00.000+01:002005-12-25T18:06:42.580+01:00About Last Night . . .<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/77211912/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/36/77211912_c75280aafe_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/77211912/">Christmas Eve Robe</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/62926847@N00/">Joseph Ratzinger</a>. </span></div>The Christmas Eve service went well last night. <br /><br />I was a little hesitant to wear this yellow-gold robe, but it's what they all wanted me to wear. The robe doesn't fit right, and made me look a bit bloated.<br /><br />I felt like a twinkie.<br clear="all" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1135440097444273702005-12-24T16:59:00.000+01:002005-12-24T17:02:58.916+01:00Fashion is Next to GodlinessThe <a href="http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chicago/chi-0512230266dec23,1,4954200.story">media loves talking about my Gucci sunglasses and Prada shoes</a>. They think that if you’re old and holy, you shouldn’t wear name-brand clothes. <br /><br />Well, forgive me for being fashionable. It’s not like I dress outrageously—like Bjork. There’s no sin in being fashionable. In fact, one could argue that it’s a ghastly sin to be unfashionable. <br /><br />Anyway, I was a little upset this afternoon when I received an email from one of my agents. The article talks about my fashion and then states:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/journalgazette/13480170.htm">“The 78-year-old Benedict lacks John Paul’s natural charisma, and the trappings of Vatican splendor may be a way to compensate.”</a><br /><br />Excuse me? I exhibit “Vatican splendor” to compensate for my lack of charisma? Are you kidding?<br /><br />I’m not even sure how to begin to respond . . .<br /><br />First, I love how the article has to refer back to my age. Yes, I’m 78—get over it. How many 78-year olds do you know that wear Gucci and Prada? And I’m talking about non-gay guys. <br /><br />Second, I’ve only been Pope for 8-months. John Paul II had charisma, but he was Pope for nearly 27-years. Give me a little time. I’ll show you charisma.<br /><br />Third, I don’t need my fashion to compensate for anything. I like to wear clothes that make me feel good. Enough about it.<br /><br />I’m sorry for venting, but I’m just hurt. I guess I need to get used to all this negative criticism. <br /><br />The only redemptive part of the article is that writer made mention about my “sporty around-the-ankle” hem:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/journalgazette/13480170.htm">During Benedict’s first public appearances, his cassock was way above the ankle, revealing white socks and bright red footwear. The hem was soon lowered a few inches, although he still prefers a sporty around-the-ankle look instead of having the cassock draped over the shoes.</a><br /><br />Yes, I do prefer the sporty look. It’s nice to know someone noticed my sporty hemline. My tailor will be pleased. Check out the pic:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/76872958/" title="Photo Sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/43/76872958_7abe8df18d_o.jpg" width="277" height="180" alt="papal hemline" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1135347119147920962005-12-23T15:11:00.000+01:002005-12-23T15:23:13.000+01:00Only God Can Judge Me<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/76566163/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/36/76566163_0631ebb180_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/76566163/">pope just sitting</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/62926847@N00/">Joseph Ratzinger</a>. </span></div>Tupac eloquently penned: <a href="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/onlygodcanjudgeme.html">"Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix</a><a href="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/onlygodcanjudgeme.html"> cause the media is full of dirty tricks.</a><a href="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/onlygodcanjudgeme.html"> Only God can judge me."</a><br /><br />It's sort of been my morning mantra with all the terrible press I've been getting lately.<br /><br />Have you seen <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2005-12-22-pope-impressions_x.htm">the USA TODAY article</a> about me? It's about how Catholics are still forming their impressions about me.<br /><br />It quotes this depraved woman, Karla McCarthy, who says: "I like Pope John Paul better, but we'll see. I don't know him that well."<br /><br />The article also shows this daft picture of me on a chair twiddling my thumbs.<br /><br />I'm really upset right now. I need a bath. <br /><br />And Karla better not come praying to me when she's in purgatory.<br clear="all" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1135221397954298412005-12-22T04:16:00.000+01:002005-12-22T04:17:22.243+01:00Ho, Ho, Ho<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/76118147/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://static.flickr.com/9/76118147_f99864bf46_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a> <br /> <span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"> <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/62926847@N00/76118147/">santa pope</a> <br /> Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/62926847@N00/">Joseph Ratzinger</a>. </span></div>It's not exactly my best picture, but it's the one my publicist sent out. He said that it makes me look young and merry. <br /><br /><br clear="all" />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1135220850635188622005-12-22T04:02:00.000+01:002005-12-22T04:07:30.720+01:00Merry Christmas, My Peeps!As you can imagine, I've been pretty busy buying gifts for all my cardinals. I'm buying mostly gift certificates. Any other gift ideas for them? <br /><br />My office is getting loaded up with cheap gift baskets filled with random food products (which require no refrigeration). I'm a little scared to eat the cube of "cheese flavor."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1134155243208694582005-12-09T20:07:00.000+01:002005-12-09T20:07:23.446+01:00Do animals go to heaven?St. Francis believed animals could go to heaven. In my opinion, I’d rather not see animals in heaven. I mean, imagine if every animal that died ended up in heaven. It would be an absolute mess up there. <br /><br />How do expect to have eternal peace when you have dinosaurs and screaming monkeys roaming around? It’s called “heaven” for a reason—not a jungle. <br /><br />I suppose if the animals were kept in cages—like a zoo—then things would work out up there. But I know there are some people who don’t like zoos because they feel it jails animals. I imagine those people would spend time protesting in heaven, which would get annoying after a while. So, if the zoo only kept bad animals in their cages then it could be like a prison and a zoo at the same time. That would probably appease the protestors.<br /><br />But the minute you start having prisons for animals in heaven, then you need some sort of criminal court up there, and lawyers defending the animals, and a jury. It just all becomes very complicated. <br /><br />So, no, I refuse to believe animals are in heaven.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com45tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1134059007491648862005-12-08T17:22:00.000+01:002005-12-08T17:23:27.566+01:00A penny for your thoughts<a href="http://wfmynews2.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=53325">The papal mint is beginning to sell special edition coins with my face</a>. I was a little worried that nobody would buy them, but my public relations team seems pretty confident. Even though the coin is only worth 20 euros, we’ll be selling them for 160 euros. Not a bad mark up. <br /><br />I can’t tell you how much this coin is really boosting my self-esteem. It makes me feel loved and appreciated. <br /><br />I was thinking about all the great people in history that have had coins made for them. Do you know who appears on the United States penny? It’s President Lincoln. He was a great man, but he only got the penny. I’m a newly appointed Pope and my coin is already worth 160 euros. I guess that should mean something.<br /><br />The only part that bothers me is that I’m not really pleased with the way my face looks on the coin. The coin makes me look a lot older, and it sort of exaggerates my weak chin. I guess that’s one of the drawbacks of being on a coin.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1133983690480093362005-12-07T20:26:00.000+01:002005-12-07T20:28:12.123+01:00Words of WisdomIn Spring 2006, <a href="http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/business/205656_starbucks29.html">Starbucks is releasing a coffee mug series with “words of wisdom”</a> from various philosophers, writers, artists, scientists, and activists.<br /><br />I’m a little insulted that they haven’t asked me to contribute something. I have so much wisdom to give this world and the Starbucks mug is a way for me to take my message to the streets. <br /><br />I suppose they haven’t asked me because they are afraid my message might be too religious or too political. They are probably afraid I might scare away the Starbucks crowd with my cutting-edge remarks.<br /><br />Well, the truth hurts and I think my controversial quotes would spark some interesting debates. Here are some quotes I’d like to submit:<br /><br /><br />“Clubbing seals is a sin—and so is clubbing with Paris Hilton.”<br /><br />“Kill the whales. We can boil the blubber to get oil.”<br /><br />“T.G.I.F. by not eating meat.”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1133908973222217042005-12-06T23:42:00.000+01:002005-12-06T23:44:25.406+01:00On Monday, <a href="http://go.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=10502593&src=rss/oddlyEnoughNews">I received a gift from the Italian carmaker Ferrari</a>. I must admit that I was pretty excited when I found out they were going to give me something. But, it wasn’t what I had in mind. Instead of a new car, they gave me a steering wheel. <br /><br />I’m sure the average NASCAR fan would adore such a gift, but I’m not a NASCAR kind of guy. I would have preferred a gift certificate for a free facial and massage.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1133717509417896382005-12-04T18:31:00.000+01:002005-12-04T18:35:39.490+01:00Sorry I Missed the Concert . . .I’ve upset <a href=" http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,17460560%255E1702,00.html ">a group of singers for not attending their Christmas concert in the Vatican.</a> They think that just because Pope John Paul II used to attend their show, that I’m supposed to attend—as if I have nothing else to do.<br /><br />Here’s my apology letter:<br /><br />Dear Singers,<br /> <br />I’m sorry for not attending your Christmas concert. I know how excited you were to meet me, but I just couldn’t make it. <br /><br />Instead of sitting around at your concert, I thought it was <a href=" http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-vat04.html ">more important to work on world peace.</a> Don’t get me wrong, I do love music—but somehow I think world peace is more important. <br /><br />And don’t tell the media how John Paul II always tried to attend your concert. He specifically told me what a bore your concert was. He started sending in the videos of himself because he was tired of attending.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />PBUnknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1133630458960590012005-12-03T18:18:00.000+01:002005-12-03T18:21:01.086+01:00Praying for the BruinsI'm pretty excited about the <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10301010/">UCLA - USC game</a>. I'm giving my blessing to the Bruins.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12342497.post-1133571076094989602005-12-03T01:50:00.000+01:002005-12-03T01:51:29.143+01:00Day Old BagelsSomebody brought in some day old bagels to the office today. The darn things were rock solid. I said a prayer and hoped that it might miraculously get soft, but it didn’t. I ended up sticking it in the microwave for 45 seconds so that I could at least cut through it. <br /><br />It tasted terrible.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6