Ask the Pope

Friday, August 26, 2005

Book Signing

My agent thought it would be a good idea for me to have a book signing at a local bookstore. You know I hate those types of events, but he convinced me it would help me gain some more publicity for my new book. So I grudgingly agreed to do it.

You should have seen the line. There must have been several thousand people waiting for my autograph. Fortunately, I didn’t have to sign any of the books. I had my assistants sign them for me ahead of time. I just sat at the table and passed them out.

I can’t believe how hard it is to pass out books for three hours. My arms were so sore that I had to have my massage therapist give me a deep muscle massage right after the event. I was exhausted.

At one point, one of my assistants came and whispered in my ear that there was a young crippled boy in the back of the line who seemed to be struggling on his crutches. My assistant suggested that we let him cut to the front of the line.

The novice Pope might have allowed the crippled boy to the front, but that would have been a terribly unjust act. I can’t let every crippled person simply cut to the front of the line.

Besides, anyone can grab crutches and pretend to be crippled. It’s too easy to fake.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Sexual Harassment Meeting

All Vatican employees had to attend a two-hour sexual harassment meeting yesterday. Everyone was forced to watch a series of videos and then read and sign a contract that says we attended.

At one point, I tried to sneak out--claiming Papal infallibility--but that didn’t seem to work.

I then mentioned that I needed to pray so that I could release some souls from purgatory. That didn’t work either. The H.R. Department said the souls could wait two more hours while I watched the videos.

I then mentioned the three bean burritos that I had just eaten for lunch--and that quickly got me excused.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Prayer & Meditation

With my stressful schedule in Germany, I’ve been trying to meditate as much as possible. I find that prayer, meditation, and fasting help me cope with my anxiety attacks. My Xanax prescription helps a bit too.

Friday, August 19, 2005

The Confessional Booth

Whenever I feel depressed, I get inside the confessional booth and listen to people tell me their sins. It’s amazing how therapeutic the confessional booth can be. Listening to other people’s secret sins is like watching the Jerry Springer show and realizing that your life really isn’t that terrible.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I don't know what it is about those flamin‚ hot cheetos.
I can't get enough of them.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Concerning Marriage

Since I’ve launched this blog, I’ve received several marriage proposals by email. I appreciate their interest in me, but I have to tell them that I can’t get married for Biblical reasons.

Besides, you’d never want to confess your sins to a jilted Pope. It’s bad enough to confess your sins to me when I have indigestion. I’m liable to excommunicate you.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The Pope John Paul Movie

The Hallmark channel will feature a film about the life of Pope John Paul. It’s going to be premiering on Monday night, so if you’re one of the ten people that actually watch the Hallmark channel, you’re in for a real treat.

As you can imagine, I’m pretty upset about this broadcast. Why did it have to premier on the Hallmark channel? Nobody even watches that channel. It’s the only cable channel that dares list Walker Texas Ranger, Matlock, and Dr. Quinn Medicine woman on its weekly programming lineup. I’d rather be watching CSPAN.

To be totally honest, I’m mostly upset because this premier doesn’t give me much hope. If J.P. can only get a Monday night movie on the Hallmark Channel, what am I going to get? At this rate, I’ll be lucky to even get a direct-to-video distribution deal.

You can’t imagine what this is doing to my self-confidence right now.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Office Printer Broke

My office printer broke again. This is the third time in the last four weeks. The Canon guy keeps coming over to fix it, but I keep getting a paper jam.

How am I supposed to write divinely inspired letters when the printer doesn’t work?

It’s ridiculous.

St. Paul had it so easy. He didn’t have to deal with broken printers or Microsoft Word telling him to rewrite his fragments.

My nails grow extremely quickly, so I have to get manicures on a weekly basis. Some people might think it’s a bit lavish to get manicures so often, but they don’t understand my job. I give people communion on a regular basis. My hands must look clean. Nobody wants to take communion from a guy with dirty cuticles.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

One of the benefits of wearing white is that it hides my dandruff. My head has been really itchy lately.