Friday, August 26, 2005

Book Signing

My agent thought it would be a good idea for me to have a book signing at a local bookstore. You know I hate those types of events, but he convinced me it would help me gain some more publicity for my new book. So I grudgingly agreed to do it.

You should have seen the line. There must have been several thousand people waiting for my autograph. Fortunately, I didn’t have to sign any of the books. I had my assistants sign them for me ahead of time. I just sat at the table and passed them out.

I can’t believe how hard it is to pass out books for three hours. My arms were so sore that I had to have my massage therapist give me a deep muscle massage right after the event. I was exhausted.

At one point, one of my assistants came and whispered in my ear that there was a young crippled boy in the back of the line who seemed to be struggling on his crutches. My assistant suggested that we let him cut to the front of the line.

The novice Pope might have allowed the crippled boy to the front, but that would have been a terribly unjust act. I can’t let every crippled person simply cut to the front of the line.

Besides, anyone can grab crutches and pretend to be crippled. It’s too easy to fake.


Blogger JBlue said...

I bet you park your pope mobile in the handicap spots at Wal-Mart, too, don't you?

8/26/2005 4:19 PM  
Anonymous potsy said...

What do you do if someone wants the autograph personalized? Also, were there people holding up the line wanting to take their picture with you? I hate that, it's so selfish.

Hope your arm gets better, that wasn't your blessing arm, was it?

8/26/2005 4:55 PM  
Blogger Trudging said...

I hope all is well.

8/26/2005 10:33 PM  
Blogger actonbell said...

Yeah, that's a tough call. Let the cripple in front, and what next?

8/26/2005 11:06 PM  
Blogger dAAve said...

Your Holiness

Good on ya. Even though the boy can't atand up for his rights, at least you can -- and DO!!
Next time you're dumb enough to agree to a book signing, don't give them more than an hour. That's what the Dali Lama does.

yours in service

8/27/2005 12:16 AM  
Blogger Annie said...

Wise decision, your Holiness. I mean, Ted Bundy pretended to be crippled all the time.

8/27/2005 1:44 AM  
Anonymous Georg said...

The Fitness club didn`t improve your condition?

8/27/2005 2:31 AM  
Blogger ANGEL ANTHONY said...

Prayer of Exorcism:
Spirit of Our God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Most Holy Trinity, Immaculate Virgin Mary, angels, archangels, and saints of heaven, descend upon the author of this blog. Please purify him, Lord, mold him, fill him with yourself, and use him. Banish all the forces of evil from him, destroy them, vanquish them, so that he can be healthy and do good deeds. Banish from him all spells, witchcraft, black magic, malefice, ties, maledictions, and the evil eye; diabolic infestations, oppressions, possessions; all that is evil and sinful, jealousy, perfidy, envy; physical, psychological, moral, spiritual, diabolical ailments. Burn all these evils in hell, that they may never again touch him or any other creature in the entire world. I command and bid all the powers who molest him by the power of God all powerful, in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior, through the intercession of the immaculate Virgin Mary to leave him forever, and to be consigned into the everlasting hell, where they will be bound by Saint Michael the archangel, Saint Gabriel, Saint Raphael, our guardian angels, and where they will be crushed under the heel of the Immaculate Virgin Mary.
I exorcise you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

8/27/2005 3:31 AM  
Blogger Jdatri said...

o'luh...what got caught in AA's wings? After reading the last comment, I think I got my demons banished. Now I have to start all over with a cocktail at the nearest bar...

8/27/2005 3:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You Holiness!

Use your special powers and make the boy walk again!

8/27/2005 3:31 PM  
Blogger Gary said...

Papa - way to make divine judgements! That said, if your photographer and biographer were there - you might have tried for a walking miracle. You could be a saint pretty quick after you leave your mortal frame (well embalmed and displayed mind you)...

8/28/2005 1:54 AM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Your Holiness,

You always know best. It may seem cruel, but after all God made the boy crippled, and letting the boy go to the head of the line would be like saying that God had made a mistake.


8/28/2005 2:41 AM  
Blogger Raph said...

Your Holiness,

I just wanted to say how inspiring you were at the World Youth Day Closing Mass in Cologne. Thank you so much! I just posted a blog on my WYD experiences. Please check it out, and bless my blog if you can!


8/28/2005 12:58 PM  
Blogger AP3 said...

Poor wittle popey-wopey!

8/28/2005 5:11 PM  
Blogger schnoodlepooh said...

Most Holy Father, Don't do any special favors for cripples. Pretty soon the murderers and rapists will want redemption!

8/28/2005 6:27 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I hope you switched arms occasionally to give the other arm a rest.
Also, you will have worked both arms that way, hopefully toning up some of your sagginess.
Old people like you usually have bat wings, and I'm sure by the looks of you, that you have them.

8/28/2005 10:46 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

and you didn't try to heal him????? that's like right smack dab there on page 17 of the pope manual! didn't you read your manual??????


8/29/2005 4:08 AM  
Blogger Car Gal said...

Your Holiness what do you think about an American Gas Boycott. Click here for details.

8/29/2005 9:26 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

i would propose, exporting the holy gas from the vatican (based on the holy father's diet) to help replenish the strategic reserves--just in case we tap some of that supply.

8/31/2005 8:05 PM  

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