Ask the Pope

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Spin Class

I joined a Spin class at the Vatican Health Club. I’ve never sweat so much in my entire life.

My butt really hurts this morning. It’s hard to sit down.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Stage fright

When I first became a Priest, I found it very difficult to talk in front of large groups of people. I’d get terrible stage fright and would feel very ill.

People often ask me how I’ve overcome my shyness and I just tell them that I started to pretend that everyone in my audience is naked. It made public speaking much more bearable because I wasn’t concentrating on my own fears.

The only problem with this is that most people in my audience are very old and don’t exercise much. They frighten me at times.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I put too much flaxseed in my cereal this morning. That extra scoop was not such a good idea.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Saddam's Eating Habits

A recent article about Saddam’s eating habits:

It turns out Saddam is also quite picky in his food preferences. Saddam prefers Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast, telling O'Shea, "No Froot Loops."

Is the man that depressed? I mean, he must have some major psychological problems if he prefers Raisin Bran over Froot Loops. Either that, or he’s having some digestion issues that I’m not aware of.

The article continues:
For a time his favorite snack was Cheetos, and when that ran out, Saddam would "get grumpy." One day, guards substituted Doritos corn chips, and Saddam forgot about Cheetos. "He'd eat a family size bag of Doritos in 10 minutes," Dawson said.

I’m not impressed. I can eat a family size bag of Doritos in a little under 5 minutes. If you gave me ten minutes, I could use the extra time to dip each Dorito into a jar of guacamole. Yes, I’m that quick. Saddam is just an amateur.

Monday, June 20, 2005

About Last Night . . .

Even though it was the Sabbath yesterday, I was deeply distressed. I’m not even sure how to put my feelings into words.

The last time I felt this way was when I learned that Darth Vader was Luke’s father.

Sure I’ve struggled over the problem of evil, but nothing could compare to the philosophical dilemma I struggled with last night.

When Detroit and San Antonio went into overtime, I wasn’t sure what team I wanted to win. I’ve been cheering on San Antonio throughout this series, but Detroit has proven to be a dangerous team and I do love cheering on the underdogs.

I felt torn and unsure of what team I wanted to win. I said a small prayer to Mary for wisdom and she told me to place my bet on San Antonio.

I made a quick call to my bookie in Las Vegas and put $500 down on San Antonio.

I was greatly relieved with San Antonio won. Don’t worry, I’ll tithe my 10%.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Need a Miracle

Not only am I working hard to be a good Pope, but I’m also trying to secure my sainthood by performing a miracle.

This can be especially difficult when almost all my time is swallowed up with meetings and/or prayers. You should see my Outlook calendar; it’s completely filled up.

The Bible says, “There is no rest for the wicked (Isaiah 57:21),” but I’d also like to add, “There is no rest for the holy, either.”

I’m constantly busy, and I don’t even look forward to weekends anymore. And, as Debbie Deb says, “weekends were made for fun.”

I really should have taken a look at the job description before taking this job.

Anyway, I need you to help me think of a miracle to perform. I want to do something unique.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Forgive Me for Not Blogging

I apologize for not posting blogs. I’ve been very busy—-as you can imagine. Meetings, prayers, more meetings, mass, etc. It’s been a little overwhelming lately.

To compensate for my lack of writing, please read the new essay by David Sedaris. He’s one of my favorite writers.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Gas Station Receipts Never Print

Whenever I fill up my Escalade with gas, I typically use my Vatican Visa
card at the pump. It's a lot easier than going inside the shop and having
to sign autographs for my fans.

When I'm done pumping gas, the digital display on the pump asks, "Would you like a receipt?"

My answer is always the same, so I press the "yes" button.

Nine out of ten times, I'll wait a minute for something to print, but nothing
does. I hear something printing, but there's obviously no paper in the

I don't even know why I even bother to try and get a receipt anymore. It's
like a sick joke that gas station attendants play on us.

I thought my luck would change when I became Pope. Obviously, not.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Concerning Office Design

When I first arrived at my new office, it was filled with a bunch of little statutes of saints with several rows of candles.

I’m sorry, but that’s not my style. I’ve never been a big fan of idols. Their grim little faces always disturb me. Besides, I’m going for more of a minimalist look. Statues of Mary and the apostles would just clutter everything.

Forgive me for a having a little style. I’ve learned a lot from the Home & Garden Network.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Donating Blood

I received a call from the Red Cross asking me to donate blood.

I’d love to donate blood, but it wouldn’t be appropriate. I mean, papal blood is pure holiness. If that blood gets in the wrong hands (or veins), we could possibly have two holy people on this earth. And I can’t have that.

There’s only room in this world for only holy Pope.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


On my way to a meeting yesterday, an eager reporter shoved a microphone in my face. Here’s the transcript:

Pope Joe:
“Chill out, I’m not Jesus.”

“Yes, but you do speak for him, don’t you?”

Pope Joe:
“Well, yeah—sometimes. Ex Cathedra. When I speak from the throne of God. It’s Latin. Not sure when it happens, but it does . . .”

“Well, now is one of those times. I want to know what God says about the situation in Iraq.”

Pope Joe:
“Okay, are you ready?”


Pope Joe:
“Shouldn’t you have a pen and notebook or something. Don’t want to miss a word—-a jot or tittle.”

“I don’t need a notebook. I can record everything on this mp3 recorder—and then release it on the internet as a podcast—or in your case a popecast.”

Pope Joe:
“My voice will go in that little thing.”

“Yeah, it will record it and then I can post it on the internet for various news feeds to get to it.”

Pope Joe:
“Pretty cool. Only the best technology for the new pope. Too bad Moses didn’t have one of those. Could have sent a popecast to the Pharaoh: Let my people go. Would have been a lot safer.”

Monday, June 06, 2005

John Paul's Blogs


As you may have heard, J.P.’s assistant has refused to “burn the late pontiff’s notes as his will demanded, arguing that the papers contain ‘great riches’ and should instead be preserved.”

I’ve had a chance to read through J.P.’s musings, which are basically diary entries about his views on ethics, philosophy, politics, and soccer. I found them to be quite boring, and only useful to cure insomnia.

He originally wanted to have these notes on his own blog website, but he wasn’t quite computer savvy.

I told him that blogging required an Internet connection, but he didn’t believe me.

He told me, as Pope, he shouldn’t have to be connected to the Internet, but that his computer should automatically submit his notes to a blog. This was a miracle he hoped to perform: blogging without an Internet connection. It obviously never happened.

Friday, June 03, 2005


They just started putting my face on stamps, and people are crowding around the Vatican Post Office to get one. I’m encouraging everyone to collect all three.

I’m a little upset about what the Vatican Post Office had to say:

“Though people have lined up to buy the first Benedict stamps, the crowds are smaller than those that gathered for the stamps issued after Pope John Paul's death.”

I wish the Vatican Post Office would just keep quiet about that. It doesn’t look good that J.P.’s memorial stamp is more popular than mine.

Papal Infallibility & Wite Out

liquid paper

I have a little bottle of liquid paper in my desk drawer, but I have no idea when I’ll ever use it.

Back in the day--before computers--I would use it to cover my typos. But now that I have papal infallibility (and Microsoft Word), I have no need for it.

In fact, just having it in my desk shows that I’m capable of error. So this is obviously a problem for me. I need to secretly get rid of it without anyone knowing that I ever even had it.

What kind of upsets me is that whoever ordered it for me either wasn’t thinking about my infallibility, or was trying to make me doubt myself. Either way, it's just very upsetting.

What also bugs me is that the person didn’t just buy me the regular bottle of Wite Out, but actually got me the “extra coverage” version. As if he or she expects me to make big mistakes that require the bigger brush.

Look, I don’t need the bigger brush, okay. And I don’t need the “easy glide” version either. I’m the Pope. I’m infallible.

Plumbing Problems

The plumbing in the Vatican is terrible. I knew the plumbing was old, but you wouldn’t believe what I have to put up with each day.

Not only is the water pressure horrible, but my shower water is either scalding hot or freezing cold. It’s tough to find that balance on the shower knob. One degree to the right or left will leave me shivering cold or jumping out of the way. I haven’t quite mastered it yet.

My sink also clogs up every week. One of my Cardinals suggested that I stop shaving in front of the sink. He thinks my hair is clogging the drain. I’ve taken his advice and started shaving in the shower.

Shaving in the shower is a much different experience. I bought one of those “fog proof” mirrors, but the darn thing doesn’t even work. The mirror is always foggy—-with or without the water running. I end up having to shave blindly and pray that I don’t cut myself.

Such is the life of a Pope in the old Vatican.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Holy Hot Sauce

I’m working a deal with Taco Bell to start distributing little packs of Holy Hot Sauce. It will be available at participating Taco Bells near you. I can't sell Holy Water, so this is the next best thing.




Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Playa Hata

I don’t know if you’ve heard about the Parish Priest of Kilkee, but he’s been causing me some major problems. He really doesn’t like my views on celibacy. A recent news articles says:

“Fr O’Meara described celibacy as “totally unnatural” and “not necessary for the priesthood”. The election of the German cardinal as pope was “an awfully disappointing move,” he said. “I was hoping for a South American cardinal or a European, like Cardinal Casper, to become Pope. But the courage wasn’t there to do it. What they have gone for is a holding game, really.”

Fr O’Meara better watch himself. I’m the Papal Godfather of the Roman Catholic Church, and he’s gravely insulted me and the rest of my Vatican family. The only reason I haven’t taken him out is because of my graciousness.

Most priests (including myself) joined the priesthood because we couldn’t find a woman that would marry us. Nobody finds us attractive enough, so we join the priesthood. If you look closely enough at me, you would think I’m a Hobbit. I seriously look like Bilbo Baggins.

If Fr O’Meara thinks he’s good looking enough to grab a mate, then I say let him go. Good luck to him, but don’t start attacking me because of my views on celibacy. I didn’t choose this rule, it’s a tradition that we follow because nobody will marry us.

The Problem with Filing Cabinets

I don’t understand why the filing cabinet in my office only allows me to open one drawer at a time. I’m often juggling between paperwork in the top drawer and comparing information that is in the bottom drawer. Why can’t I just have both drawers open at the same time?

I’ve even tried tricking my filing cabinet by attempting to open both drawers at the exact same time, but the thing just totally locks up. It's like I’m doing something illegal.

I want to know who invented the rule that only one drawer can open at a time. It must be the same person who says we can’t rip off mattress tags. These rules must be changed.

I need to invent a filing cabinet that will allow people to freely open whatever drawers they want, whenever they want.