Ask the Pope

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Choir Music

I’m getting a little tired of listening to choir music. There’s only so much a Pope can take.

I appreciate their efforts, but I’m beginning to abhor choirs, especially when they sing: “Tu es Petrus.”

It reminds me of when that Counting Crows song, “Mr. Jones” was released. It’s a great song, but the radio played it over and over again to the point that I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Too much of a good thing . . .

Sunday, December 25, 2005

About Last Night . . .

Christmas Eve Robe
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.
The Christmas Eve service went well last night.

I was a little hesitant to wear this yellow-gold robe, but it's what they all wanted me to wear. The robe doesn't fit right, and made me look a bit bloated.

I felt like a twinkie.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Fashion is Next to Godliness

The media loves talking about my Gucci sunglasses and Prada shoes. They think that if you’re old and holy, you shouldn’t wear name-brand clothes.

Well, forgive me for being fashionable. It’s not like I dress outrageously—like Bjork. There’s no sin in being fashionable. In fact, one could argue that it’s a ghastly sin to be unfashionable.

Anyway, I was a little upset this afternoon when I received an email from one of my agents. The article talks about my fashion and then states:

“The 78-year-old Benedict lacks John Paul’s natural charisma, and the trappings of Vatican splendor may be a way to compensate.”

Excuse me? I exhibit “Vatican splendor” to compensate for my lack of charisma? Are you kidding?

I’m not even sure how to begin to respond . . .

First, I love how the article has to refer back to my age. Yes, I’m 78—get over it. How many 78-year olds do you know that wear Gucci and Prada? And I’m talking about non-gay guys.

Second, I’ve only been Pope for 8-months. John Paul II had charisma, but he was Pope for nearly 27-years. Give me a little time. I’ll show you charisma.

Third, I don’t need my fashion to compensate for anything. I like to wear clothes that make me feel good. Enough about it.

I’m sorry for venting, but I’m just hurt. I guess I need to get used to all this negative criticism.

The only redemptive part of the article is that writer made mention about my “sporty around-the-ankle” hem:

During Benedict’s first public appearances, his cassock was way above the ankle, revealing white socks and bright red footwear. The hem was soon lowered a few inches, although he still prefers a sporty around-the-ankle look instead of having the cassock draped over the shoes.

Yes, I do prefer the sporty look. It’s nice to know someone noticed my sporty hemline. My tailor will be pleased. Check out the pic:

papal hemline

Friday, December 23, 2005

Only God Can Judge Me

pope just sitting
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.
Tupac eloquently penned: "Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix cause the media is full of dirty tricks. Only God can judge me."

It's sort of been my morning mantra with all the terrible press I've been getting lately.

Have you seen the USA TODAY article about me? It's about how Catholics are still forming their impressions about me.

It quotes this depraved woman, Karla McCarthy, who says: "I like Pope John Paul better, but we'll see. I don't know him that well."

The article also shows this daft picture of me on a chair twiddling my thumbs.

I'm really upset right now. I need a bath.

And Karla better not come praying to me when she's in purgatory.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Ho, Ho, Ho

santa pope
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.
It's not exactly my best picture, but it's the one my publicist sent out. He said that it makes me look young and merry.

Merry Christmas, My Peeps!

As you can imagine, I've been pretty busy buying gifts for all my cardinals. I'm buying mostly gift certificates. Any other gift ideas for them?

My office is getting loaded up with cheap gift baskets filled with random food products (which require no refrigeration). I'm a little scared to eat the cube of "cheese flavor."

Friday, December 09, 2005

Do animals go to heaven?

St. Francis believed animals could go to heaven. In my opinion, I’d rather not see animals in heaven. I mean, imagine if every animal that died ended up in heaven. It would be an absolute mess up there.

How do expect to have eternal peace when you have dinosaurs and screaming monkeys roaming around? It’s called “heaven” for a reason—not a jungle.

I suppose if the animals were kept in cages—like a zoo—then things would work out up there. But I know there are some people who don’t like zoos because they feel it jails animals. I imagine those people would spend time protesting in heaven, which would get annoying after a while. So, if the zoo only kept bad animals in their cages then it could be like a prison and a zoo at the same time. That would probably appease the protestors.

But the minute you start having prisons for animals in heaven, then you need some sort of criminal court up there, and lawyers defending the animals, and a jury. It just all becomes very complicated.

So, no, I refuse to believe animals are in heaven.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

A penny for your thoughts

The papal mint is beginning to sell special edition coins with my face. I was a little worried that nobody would buy them, but my public relations team seems pretty confident. Even though the coin is only worth 20 euros, we’ll be selling them for 160 euros. Not a bad mark up.

I can’t tell you how much this coin is really boosting my self-esteem. It makes me feel loved and appreciated.

I was thinking about all the great people in history that have had coins made for them. Do you know who appears on the United States penny? It’s President Lincoln. He was a great man, but he only got the penny. I’m a newly appointed Pope and my coin is already worth 160 euros. I guess that should mean something.

The only part that bothers me is that I’m not really pleased with the way my face looks on the coin. The coin makes me look a lot older, and it sort of exaggerates my weak chin. I guess that’s one of the drawbacks of being on a coin.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Words of Wisdom

In Spring 2006, Starbucks is releasing a coffee mug series with “words of wisdom” from various philosophers, writers, artists, scientists, and activists.

I’m a little insulted that they haven’t asked me to contribute something. I have so much wisdom to give this world and the Starbucks mug is a way for me to take my message to the streets.

I suppose they haven’t asked me because they are afraid my message might be too religious or too political. They are probably afraid I might scare away the Starbucks crowd with my cutting-edge remarks.

Well, the truth hurts and I think my controversial quotes would spark some interesting debates. Here are some quotes I’d like to submit:

“Clubbing seals is a sin—and so is clubbing with Paris Hilton.”

“Kill the whales. We can boil the blubber to get oil.”

“T.G.I.F. by not eating meat.”

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

On Monday, I received a gift from the Italian carmaker Ferrari. I must admit that I was pretty excited when I found out they were going to give me something. But, it wasn’t what I had in mind. Instead of a new car, they gave me a steering wheel.

I’m sure the average NASCAR fan would adore such a gift, but I’m not a NASCAR kind of guy. I would have preferred a gift certificate for a free facial and massage.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Sorry I Missed the Concert . . .

I’ve upset a group of singers for not attending their Christmas concert in the Vatican. They think that just because Pope John Paul II used to attend their show, that I’m supposed to attend—as if I have nothing else to do.

Here’s my apology letter:

Dear Singers,

I’m sorry for not attending your Christmas concert. I know how excited you were to meet me, but I just couldn’t make it.

Instead of sitting around at your concert, I thought it was more important to work on world peace. Don’t get me wrong, I do love music—but somehow I think world peace is more important.

And don’t tell the media how John Paul II always tried to attend your concert. He specifically told me what a bore your concert was. He started sending in the videos of himself because he was tired of attending.



Saturday, December 03, 2005

Praying for the Bruins

I'm pretty excited about the UCLA - USC game. I'm giving my blessing to the Bruins.

Day Old Bagels

Somebody brought in some day old bagels to the office today. The darn things were rock solid. I said a prayer and hoped that it might miraculously get soft, but it didn’t. I ended up sticking it in the microwave for 45 seconds so that I could at least cut through it.

It tasted terrible.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I need a manicure really bad right now. A pedicure couldn’t hurt either.