Ask the Pope

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Me and Anthony

Me and Anthony
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.
Someone told me that I look like Anthony Hopkins--which I consider to be a huge compliment.

I hate being referred to as "The Emperor" or "The Hobbit."

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Sleeping at My Desk

I fell asleep at my desk today. I was up late last night writing a speech, so I was very tired this morning. I don’t make it a habit to sleep at my desk during the day, but I do on occasion.

One of the benefits about being Pope is that when I’m sleeping at my desk, people presume that I’m in serious prayer—so nobody bothers me.

I just worry about snoring and drooling because that would seem a little odd.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Accused of Not Washing My Hands

A Cardinal accused me of not washing my hands in the restroom today. I was so insulted. I always wash my hands. In fact, I even refuse to touch the door when leaving the restroom. I push the door open with my knee instead. This has caused some dirty marks on my white robe, but my dry cleaners always get the stains out.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

I woke up with terrible back pain this morning. Today is not a good day to seek forgiveness from me.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Another John Paul Movie

As you know, I wasn’t happy about the Pope John Paul movie on the Hallmark Channel, so I’m not really thrilled about the upcoming CBS miniseries either.

I’ve agreed to attend the preview because my agent thinks it will be a good for publicity. I need as much love as I can get right now--especially with all the lawsuits going on.

This show better be good. A four-hour mini series could easily put me to sleep. I sure hope it’s not like the televised version of Brideshead Revisited. That series almost caused me to leave the priesthood entirely and start drinking heavily.

If Pope John Paul can only get a miniseries and a cheap movie on the Hallmark Channel, I’m destined for a brief segment on 60 Minutes (narrated by some unknown journalist who is filling in that day).

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Phone Line to God

Some children think that I have a direct phone line to God. They imagine a red phone similar to the bat phone used by the Gotham City Police Chief.

Well, no such phone exists. Besides, even if such a phone did exist, could you imagine the phone bill? I’m sure it would be tax deductible phone call, but still.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Concerning Sneezing

One of the Cardinals in my office has a severe cold. I told him to go home, but he insists on working. He sits in the office next to me, and I can hear practically everything he does--which mostly includes playing snood.

Anyway, he sneezed about 10 times in a row this morning. I managed to say "Bless You" after the first three sneezes, but then it just started getting ridiculous. I told him that three blessings is the limit.

Later this afternoon, a group of us were in a meeting room and he sneezed again. All the other Cardinals said "Bless You" except me. They all looked at me in shock. I told them that I already blessed him three times in the morning.

They weren't very happy with my answer.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Pope TV

With the announcement of the new video ipod, I'm thinking this will be a great way for people to download my weekly speeches and see me in action. I just need to decide on a price. Television show dowloads cost $1.99 per episdode, but what could I charge? I'm not offering cheap entertainment, I'm offering blessings. I think I could charge at least $5.00 per speech and $10.00 per mass. I could also offer a short weekly blessing for $1.00. I need to talk with my agent.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Trials & Tribulations

I spent an hour last night trying to put on my new duvet cover. I consider myself to be a pretty patient person, but this duvet cover has pushed me to my limit. I felt totally incompetent, just like the last time I couldn’t remove the lid off a pickle jar.

Friday, October 07, 2005

My New Ride

My new BMW X5 SUV is pretty sweet. Terrible gas mileage, but it's free. It would be a terrible offense not to accept it. Besides, I need to look good when I'm cruising the streets of Rome.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I can’t believe the Vatican Office Manager forgot to order more Kona coffee. I’m stuck drinking Yuban again.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I need to get a new gown. This darn thing is so annoying.