Monday, January 23, 2006

I'm Upset with My Swiss Army

swiss army

I’ve never had a reason to get upset with my Swiss Army until this morning, after I read a quote from one of my colonels:

“Protecting Benedict XVI is easier than protecting his globetrotting predecessor Jean-Paul II,” Col Elmar Maeder said yesterday. "Benedict doesn't move about much and when he does it's usually inside the Vatican City, an area that we know inside out," he said.

Excuse me? I’m easier to protect because I don’t “move about much.” I move around plenty. Just because I don’t travel around the world for publicity like Jean-Paul II doesn’t mean I’m easy.

I feel totally humiliated right now.

It’s especially depressing because my army dresses like circus performers. They can’t run very quickly in their uniforms and they wouldn’t be able to do much with their spears and swords anyway.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

so do something unexpected, go somewhere, soon better than later.

1/23/2006 9:13 PM  
Anonymous a cup of coffee said...

Perhaps you should get out more often to spice things up. I heard you've been sneaking out late at night back to you old pad all dressed in black. I think that's cool and very sneaky of you, Your Holiness.

1/23/2006 10:13 PM  
Blogger Time Bandit said...

i've pondered about that in the past... the thing about your army's uniform. why don't they dress up like the SWAT? Come on, they have to look intimidating, not like circus performers.

1/24/2006 12:24 AM  
Blogger JBlue said...

Don't move around much, they say? Fine, then, make Col. Elmar Maeder carry you everywhere you go for the next month! That'll teach him to blab to the press. He'll look pretty silly giving you piggy back rides all over Vatican City.

1/24/2006 6:24 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth Green said...

Julian has a good idea--in spite of the hat. What do you want the Swiss guard to have for arms, Uzis? I think if you tried on one of their uniforms, you could really get some media attention. I wonder how you'd look in one of their hats.

1/24/2006 4:51 PM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Your Holiness,

How cheeky of him to say that! You are the Popester! What was he thinking? You can move as much or as little as it suits you.

Their outfits are a bit, dated, shall we say?

1/24/2006 11:04 PM  
Blogger tlm said...

No offense, Most Holy Father, but what exactly did you expect from an army full of Swiss people? Aside from making quality pocket knives, the army is practically useless.

Perhaps one of your old German infantry battalions would provide more adequate protection.

1/24/2006 11:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I swear I've seen those same outfits either at Disney World or Mideval Times.

Really, they look like theme park employees.

1/25/2006 2:50 AM  
Blogger sidcruise said...

Probably the Army thinks you have some magical powers to protect yourself..a la Harry Pope...

1/25/2006 5:05 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

Honestly Pope, you can't take any criticism from people who dress like that seriously.
I mean, come on soldiers- why not try some clothes from any of the last 5 centuries? Dorks.

1/25/2006 2:50 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

Also, my compliments on your first encyclical!

1/25/2006 2:52 PM  
Anonymous Pope's No. 1 Fan said...

Please, explain this to me, because I am still pertubed.

1/25/2006 6:37 PM  
Blogger Jemima said...

Never trust a man wearing the Romanian flag who's claiming to be Swiss! Even if he has got a stubby blade, corkscrew and a tool for removing stones from the soles of your shoes. Is that why you haven't been moving round much? They haven't told you about the shoe saving gizmos that'll keep your feet safe!

1/25/2006 8:13 PM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

Your simple understatement is powerful because of its simplicity; which is what the fashion designers all say about the mandatory "little black dress". So, see? You're a fashion statement!

1/25/2006 8:23 PM  
Blogger Bulworth said...

Yes, Mr. Pope, sir, congrats on your first encyclical. I new you'd come through.

1/25/2006 11:04 PM  
Blogger dddragon said...

Just tell them that you're embarressed to be seen outside the walls with them.

1/27/2006 5:34 PM  
Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Whats up you and Jesus should kick it some time

1/29/2006 3:36 PM  
Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

You should fire those flamboyant guards of yours, Pope.

The people would see it as a sign that you're trying to keep with the times -- like JP always tried to do.

And hey, how come you never visit my site anymore?!

1/29/2006 8:25 PM  
Blogger Trudging said...

Never underestimate circus performers!!

2/01/2006 12:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey..thought you should see this article written about you...LOL

2/01/2006 6:54 AM  
Blogger Hale Bopp said...

bill! dude! i never knew you were kickin' it papal style with pope joe!

2/02/2006 2:40 AM  
Blogger Gary said...

Sooner or later you'll get the respect you deserve. Maybe you should do a really quick trip around the world, kissing airport runways, then moving on... Wake those guards up and get loads of press.

2/03/2006 6:23 PM  
Blogger BMD said...

I think that this entire blog is detestable. It's bad enough that you make fun of a holy man, the symbol of a faith followed by millions of people world-wide, but it's unconscionable that you do so in his guise, that you pretend to be him.

2/03/2006 11:49 PM  
Anonymous Jay said...

Congratulations on your first encyclical. I respect your opinion, even if I don't agree 100% with it.

About the Swiss Guard: It was my understanding that the sillier-looking 1914 Raphaelite getup is the dress uniform, and the everyday attire is much more functional, just a nice blue coverall sort of thing with a black beret. Maybe you could get them to wear a slightly classier version of that for dress-up occasions?

Anyway, they do get training in unarmed combat and with issue SIG P 75 pistols and Heckler & Koch submachine-guns. I'd say that makes them a little bit scary at least.

2/05/2006 8:17 AM  
Blogger Mr. Cougar said...

Well, i would be offended too. Kinda know how you feel, Pope...

2/06/2006 6:49 AM  
Anonymous churchgirl said...

pope, will you ever post again?

2/06/2006 11:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i say go somewhere really small just for kicks to see them all try to cram inside!

2/14/2006 3:50 PM  
Blogger Taz_Cat said...

I wonder why bmd reads this blog if it's so detestable. It's actually quite funny. I'm sure the real Pope would love it if he saw it. It would be a bit of light relief from his very hard job... Keep posting, "Holiness."

3/01/2006 8:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Had I caught this earlier, I'd criticize (or advise) But let it be known that I love the circus and am particularly sweet on one or two of those generals that I'd love to see in a back alley. Not to worry.

3/29/2006 3:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pope Benedict`s comments in regards to Islam are as insulting as they are provocative. It is much of a disgrace to the Christian faith to have such affirmations towards religious figures. Such a positions invites to turn away from the Vatican , as it`s leader feeds the religious war.
I am overwhelmed to see that even the "holliest" figures take such arrogant positions.
It was a mistake to place this man in such high position. Catholic religion is losing its power, and now even more people will realise that not only it is corrupt but it is also becoming ignorant.

9/16/2006 3:45 AM  
Anonymous peter said...

for all of you who belive in the pope and his so called teachings about the one true GOD of this earth! you are being played for a fool! the bible even the same one the pope reads and no doubt have yourself tells us that the pope is a liar he is a false wittness and the antichrist! if you need proof of what is written here look in the bible and ask yourself why the pope and his church's don't obey the commandments and laws of god??? even words have been added and taken from the bible example.luke 14 verse 26 the word love has been changed for the word hate we are to hate??? when GOD is the GOD of love and he tells us to love each other then how do u get love out of hate??? beware it's very hard to find a bible with the word love not hate in it. i have that 1 bible and a pile of bibles even back to king james and it to has the word hate not love!!! the bible to find is called ( the new living translation)i was given this bible by a church??? that disobeys what's written in i don't bore you too much more remember this the relationship between you and GOD is just that you and GOD not GOD ,you,and the church look at what GOD say's about church's do you need to be reminded??? who at the end of the week only take and give to them selves.heed this warning and save not only yourself from hell but your loved one's GOD'S last call!!!

11/04/2006 3:20 PM  
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