Ask the Pope

Monday, January 23, 2006

I'm Upset with My Swiss Army

swiss army

I’ve never had a reason to get upset with my Swiss Army until this morning, after I read a quote from one of my colonels:

“Protecting Benedict XVI is easier than protecting his globetrotting predecessor Jean-Paul II,” Col Elmar Maeder said yesterday. "Benedict doesn't move about much and when he does it's usually inside the Vatican City, an area that we know inside out," he said.

Excuse me? I’m easier to protect because I don’t “move about much.” I move around plenty. Just because I don’t travel around the world for publicity like Jean-Paul II doesn’t mean I’m easy.

I feel totally humiliated right now.

It’s especially depressing because my army dresses like circus performers. They can’t run very quickly in their uniforms and they wouldn’t be able to do much with their spears and swords anyway.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Holy Sweat

holy sweat
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.
If you think holy water is valuable, think about papal sweat.

I wonder how much my handkerchief would be worth on eBay.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Lord of the Rings

model castles bore me
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.
I sent an email to Peter Jackson several months ago to tell him about my love of his "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

He invited me to visit New Zealand to check out some of the locations where he shot the movie. Needless to say, I was very excited.

When I arrived, he gave me a tour of his special effects studio, where they shot many of the pivotal scenes.

Well, it turns out that the whole movie is a sham. They didn’t actually film anything in real castles. They used model castles instead. This was very disappointing news.

Apparently most people know this, but I had no clue. I’m not very hip on movie special effects.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

All Eyez on Me

Things have been extremely busy for me this New Year.

I’ve had dozens of speaking engagements, book tour events, communion services, and photo shoots. It’s been exhausting.

The worst part is that my complexion is beginning to suffer. The dark circles around my eyes are getting worse. I’ve started using a concealer, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

One of my Cardinals suggested that I rub almond oil and mint leaves over the dark circles. Another Cardinal told me to massage powdered Vitamin E around my eyes.

I really need to start taking better care of myself.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!

I'm sitting at home watching all these entertainment news show talking about the best of 2005. They're talking about Jessica Simpson, Johnny Carson, etc... but nobody has mentioned me yet.

I thought for sure that I'd get some sort of mention. It's just a little disappointing.