My Horrid Coat of Arms

Have you seen my new coat of arms? It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.



There’s an image of a bear with a red target on his back. Is that supposed to imply that I can’t hunt unless the animal has a target on its body. First off, I don’t hunt. Second of all, I don’t need a target if I’m going to shoot. It’s all very insulting.

At the bottom of the coat, there’s this ugly seashell, which matches the décor in my restroom. And, as I told you before, I loathe nautical themes.

And then there’s this image of an Ethiopian woman at the top left, which is supposed to promote diversity and tolerance.

I guess they’re trying to pull me away from my horrid Nazi Germany background. I like the attempt to break me away from my disturbing heritage, but this cheap, cartoonish figure of a black woman looks like something out of a Fat Albert comic. It’s totally racist. I might as well have a drunk KLAN member on my coat of arms, too. Give me a break!

The whole thing looks like something a clown should wear. I’m not freakin’ Cirque De Soli—I’m the Pope. I wish they would understand that.

I guess I’m more upset that nobody asked me about what I wanted. I’m the Pope, right? I should have some say in what my coat of arms looks like. I should also have a say on who designs it. I’d like to see what the FUBU design team or Sean Jean could do for me. I’d like to have a little “bling” in my coat of arms, if you don’t mind.