Saturday, July 16, 2005

Weighty Matters

Yesterday, one of my Cardinals said that I was jolly.

At first I smiled, but then I looked at my waistline. I know he meant well, but why did he have to use the word “jolly.”

Jolly is a word that should only be applied Santa Clause and other big-boned white men that can laugh well. I don’t want to be known as the “jolly” Pope. I want to be known as the joyful Pope.

It bothers me that I have the miraculous ability to heal the sick, but I have no control over my metabolism. I wonder if any of the apostles had this problem.

I need to get on my Vatican Diet right away. When I die, I want my followers to create slim statues of me. At this rate, my statues will look more like Buddha.

19 Comments:

Blogger dAAve said...

Your Holiness

Maybe you should consider adjusting the contents of your vending machines. While you're at it, take the vending machine out of the Escalade.

yours in service
HP

7/16/2005 1:42 AM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

I suppose.

7/16/2005 1:54 AM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

Well, it's not really your fault, Your Holiness. The aposotles didn't have access to snowballs, so the comparison isn't fair.

7/16/2005 2:11 AM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

...er, that's apostles. My puppy jostled me as I was typing. Sorry, sir.

7/16/2005 2:12 AM  
Blogger Indianrunner12 said...

Just don't try that damn Atkins Diet!

7/16/2005 4:29 AM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Just decree that EVERYONE else in the Vatrican must be fatter than you.

7/16/2005 4:36 AM  
Blogger bschneider5 said...

Shortly after satan commented on my blogI quit for over a month. Would you mind giving me a blessing and casting the devil from my quest for online popularity?

7/16/2005 5:39 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

The Jolly Pope may not be as good as the Joyful Pope, but things could be much, much worse.
You could be called the Big-Boned Pope or, God forbid, the Homely, Chubby Pope.
Count your blessings, dear corpulent one.

7/16/2005 6:43 AM  
Blogger Cincy Diva said...

Perhaps you could ask Harry Potter how he stays so slender.

7/16/2005 12:36 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

Oh yes! Glad to see you stopped by Brad's blog cuz he offers much sound advice about everything under the sun and he always includes links.
Please forgive me, your Holiness, I have strayed from your site for a long while now, but it's the devil... he's been keeping me at the office and under much duress mind you. Freaking devil.

7/16/2005 12:58 PM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

I could kill for Harry Potter's little waistline.

7/16/2005 4:43 PM  
Blogger maffie said...

I like the word "Jolly" fit you!

7/16/2005 10:23 PM  
Blogger miatower said...

Vatican Diet:
Cheetos
Ding Dongs
Willy Wonka Hostess hoho's with the
purple icing
Ricecakes instead of communion wafers
The Blood of Christ-light, tastes great, less filling, but just as holy

7/16/2005 11:13 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

you should commission a redesign of the pope outfit to a new "sport-utility-extreme-pope suit." that would allow you to engage in extreme sports, mountain climbing, biking, swimming, hockey, etc. no more round and flabby!

those robes you wear man are totally unrealistic for anything outside of doing small pope-type gestures and mass.

7/17/2005 12:27 AM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Your Holiness,

You could diet...OR, you could just decree that your statues be made NOW under YOUR supervision.

You would see to it that you are remembered as thin, even if you never get thin.

You do look happy. Maybe you could campaign for being remembered as gay.

7/17/2005 2:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe the apostles travelled around by foot. Maybe you should do likewise. Sell your Escalade, donate the proceeds to the poor and walk. Soon, you would lose the 'jolly' status.

7/17/2005 3:23 PM  
Blogger actonbell said...

What's wrong with looking like the Buddha?

7/17/2005 7:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

jolly or jelly????????????

7/17/2005 11:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get on a frickin' diet, lardass!

7/18/2005 8:27 PM  

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