Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Step-Aerobics Class

I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life yesterday.

When I was at the Vatican Health Spa last night, I thought I was joining a kick boxing class. Instead, I read the calendar wrong and found myself involved in a step-aerobics class.

I had no idea what I was doing. I thought about escaping, but I was too embarrassed to leave. I had to at least pretend that I intentionally joined this class—at least for a little while. I kept staring at the clock, praying the class would end quickly. God did not answer my prayer.

I fixed my eyes on the instructor and tried to keep up with him. This was quite difficult because: (a) I have no rhythm; (b) I’m not coordinated; (c) I couldn’t understand a word the instructor was saying; (d) the dance music was too loud; and (e) I have no rhythm.

(a) I have no rhythm
I might be able to sing Gregorian chants, but I have no rhythm. I can’t even clap to a song. This is a severe problem in a step class.

(b) I’m not coordinated
I’ve never been coordinated. It also doesn’t help that I have a giant white robe that trips me every time I try and step.

(c) I couldn’t understand a word the instructor was saying
My instructor was always out of breath and yelled out instructions in step jargon that apparently everyone else understood except me. I can speak almost 10 languages fluently, but I couldn’t understand one word of step-aerobics.

(d) The dance music was too loud
Step-aerobics uses an entirely new breed of music. It takes terrible pop song, speeds them up so the voices sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks, and then the songs are laced with a pumping drum sound. It made me want to commit suicide. I knew that Ashlee Simpson music was sinful, but the step-aerobic remix versions are just plain damnable. Producers of such music ought to be dragged into the center of Dante’s inferno.

(e) I have no rhythm

I will never, never, never, ever join a step class again.

28 Comments:

Anonymous Martin Luther said...

Bwaahahahaha!!

This fight/cage match/duel is going to be a cake walk. Old and uncoordinated.

I have to admit one thing though. I, too, am repulsed by that heathen Ashlee Simpson.

Marty

7/06/2005 7:29 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Just the mental image you've created in your post will keep me chuckling throughout the day. Thanks!

You may want try the Ab-Lounger.

7/06/2005 8:45 PM  
Blogger Mr. Word said...

Wow, very inventive! You have a great way with words and have a wonderful ability to evoke startling mental imagery! Great stuff!

7/06/2005 8:47 PM  
Anonymous Georg said...

Play your piano, you need to practice.

7/06/2005 8:56 PM  
Blogger Girl With An Alibi said...

Pope, I feel your pain. I too suffered through a step aerobics class. Even if you have rhythm and are somewhat coordinated the garbled speech of the instructors and the loud music combined with the increasingly confusing moves are enough to make anyone swear them off forever.

Stick with kick-boxing you need to train for your upcoming match with Luther.

7/06/2005 9:12 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

run away my son! (er...father.....)

7/06/2005 10:24 PM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

I'm with you, Your Holiness. Step aerobics are of the Devil.

7/07/2005 12:47 AM  
Blogger dAAve said...

Your Holiness

I TOLD you to get an assistant to handle those daily appointments. This is why --- you keep screwing them up. There are consequences.

I like Alvin and the Chipmunks.

yours in service
HP

7/07/2005 1:20 AM  
Blogger actonbell said...

I was once a regular attendee of a step class, and it took a lot of practice to "get with it." Inspite of this, though, I was totally thrown for a loop during a (vacation)cruise, when I signed up for a step-aerobics class, and then had to experience a new set of dance steps during a tropical storm--I'm not kidding! We had a turbulent sea, and sometimes when thought I was stepping up, I went down, instead! Quite disconcerting.

7/07/2005 3:57 AM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Holy Father, you should take off the robe for this activity. Do you have a Holy Sweatpants outfit? (Not the same thing as sweatpants with holes.)

As your second for the upcoming duel, I think I should mention to you that appropriate garments are a must. I was planning on wearing a karate outfit myself. What size do you wear? Maybe I can lend you something.

7/07/2005 4:15 AM  
Blogger A.T. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/07/2005 4:19 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Thanks for the b-day prayer for my mom. She was dumbfounded when I showed her your comment.
Your blessings really pack a punch!

7/07/2005 6:42 AM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ex-Communicate that instructor! He is probably a Luthern anyway.

7/07/2005 6:43 AM  
Blogger Randomly Crazy Girl said...

pope, doood,

stick to what you're good at... all that preachn takes a lot outta one guy so don't push yourself too hard.. you should sneak in a young boy or two to relieve your stress, or.. if you're an atypical catholic.. a hooker

7/07/2005 7:15 AM  
Blogger Anna said...

All Step Aerobics should be cast into the fiery fires of Hell.
Oh wait, they're already there.

7/07/2005 3:54 PM  
Anonymous Martin Luther said...

Hey Benny!! Lazy Iguana may have uncovered the secret fact that the Lutherans have infiltrated the Vatican, but it will do you no good. Reformation II will roll on as planned. Oh, by the way, notice anything funny about the communion wine lately? Hahahaha!

7/07/2005 4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Know the difference between Benedict and Martin? Martin had a lot of children.

7/07/2005 7:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And a lot of fun making them!!!

7/07/2005 7:17 PM  
Anonymous Lainey said...

Dr. Mr. Pope,
Just a few thoughts today. If you should manage to get God to cast all step aerobics into the fiery pits of hell, could you get him to throw in stairmasters too? As for appropriate vestments for your workouts and upcoming duel, might I suggest something rather chic? I was thinking of a thigh length robe (in keeping with your holy station) and white leotard/tights to maintain your modesty, yet still provide you with ample mobility.

7/07/2005 8:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lets all make fun of the pope. He's never had a woman, probly lots of little boys though...

7/09/2005 7:13 PM  
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10/07/2005 4:27 AM  
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10/24/2005 12:17 AM  
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10/25/2005 9:00 AM  
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Holy Father I offer You the Body and the Blood the Soul and Divinity of Your derly beloved Son Our Lord jesus Christ in atonement for our sins and those of the whole worl.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion have mercy on us and on the whole worl.
Why do you persecute Jesus Christ and His Church? I pray that you will repent. If you ask Him, He will forgive you.

4/26/2006 5:27 PM  
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