Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Inside the Actor's Studio


In an upcoming episode of “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” you’ll find me getting interviewed by James Lipton. I’m not an actor in the theatrical sense, but I am a public figure that must put on a smile and act happy most of the time. My agent also thought it might be a good idea to appear on the show to give people a glimpse into my personal life.

I’m not allowed to release the transcript of the entire show until after it airs on Bravo, but I am allowed to release my answers to his typical 10 last questions:

What is your favorite word?

Well, it’s actually two words: “Your Holiness.” I love it when people call me that.

What is your least favorite word?


What turns you on, excites you, inspires you - physically, creatively, spiritually?

Vending machines

What turns you off?

When vending machines refuse my wrinkled dollar bills.

What sound do you love?

I love listening to vending machines accepting my money. I also love listening to the metal coils as they turn to release my food.

What sound do you hate?

I hate the sound when the vending machine drops my food into the metal tray below. I’m afraid my food might get damaged during the fall.

What is your favorite curse word?


What profession, other than yours, would you like to try?

I guess if I had to choose another profession, than I’d probably want to be God. That is the next job above me, isn’t it? I guess it might be fun to be God for one day. I probably couldn’t just jump into the job right away. I’d probably need some training—even though I am the most qualified human on earth. I suppose I’d probably choose a Sabbath day as my first day on the job, so I wouldn’t have to do much.

What profession would you least like to try?

I’d hate to give people pedicures. I refuse to touch people’s dirty feet. Why can’t people just take care of their own feet? Why does someone have to clean another person’s toenails and scrape away their calluses? It grosses me out.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Well, it does exist. And when I do enter heaven—which is probably pretty soon—I imagine God would apologize to me for giving me dandruff, an oily complexion, and big pores.


Anonymous Martin Luther said...

So Mister Anti-Christ, you got a problem with me??

7/05/2005 9:15 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

i got it! you should have vending machine confessionals!!! drop in .75 cents and confess! after confessing, you get your choice of hostess products, cheetos, lemon-heads, etc.

that's a million-dollar idea!

7/05/2005 9:42 PM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

Luther, it's time we fight.

Me and you in the alley behind the Vatican. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time.

Date: Oct 31, 2005

7/05/2005 10:15 PM  
Blogger Girl With An Alibi said...

I'll take $50 on the Pope to win! Go POPE!! Kick his butt!!!

7/05/2005 10:24 PM  
Blogger Car Gal said...

Isn't Luther dead?

7/05/2005 11:13 PM  
Blogger actonbell said...

I really hate the sound of the food NOT dropping, esp. if I don't have enough change to buy it twice...and, Why can't people take care of their own feet?
Indeed! I would never get a pedicure--no one's gonna laugh, or vomit, at the sight of my feet-ack!

7/05/2005 11:21 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I hear Luther is an ear biter.

7/05/2005 11:46 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

hit the vending machine from the side, 90% of the time helps dislodge stubborn vending food!

7/05/2005 11:46 PM  
Anonymous martin luther said...

Ear biter?? I'll take out that sissy in the silly hat in clean fight.

October 31? I'll have to check my Outlook and get back to you.

7/06/2005 12:01 AM  
Anonymous Martin Luther King said...

Well, if you`d like to be God, his son washed other men`s feet. It is part of the job.

7/06/2005 12:58 AM  
Anonymous Georg from Bavaria said...

Oct,31 is Reformation day and also Halloween. Crazy bunch.

7/06/2005 1:00 AM  
Blogger dAAve said...

Your Holiness

As always, your answers to the questions presented by Mr. Lipton were inspired.

As to the sparring between You (The Vatican) and M. Luther, may I be contracted to film the video? October 31 is good for me; I was going to be in Rome that week anyhow.

yours in service

7/06/2005 1:07 AM  
Anonymous Lainey said...

In reference to Jamwall's vending machine confessional idea...it has potential. But do the delicious vending machines snacks substitute for absolution? Details, details, details.

7/06/2005 1:16 AM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Your Holiness,

Thank you for this inspired post. I'm going to print it out and frame it. I will never say L***** again out of respect for you.

I can't believe that L***** challenged you to a fight. I know that Your Holiness knows all, but shouldn't it at least be a duel? More respectable, ya know?

If you need a Second for the duel, I'm up for it.
Respectfully yours,

7/06/2005 2:06 AM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

Tan Lucy, you can back me up. I think a duel is much more appropriate.

HP, I always love the way you think. I'll talk with my agent and we'll negotiate something.

7/06/2005 2:23 AM  
Blogger AP3 said...

Your Holiness,
Thanks for visiting my blog today! We will never forget you.

7/06/2005 3:04 AM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Your Popeness, I can email you a comprehensive training program to prepare for the fight. You will learn how to make a shank out of a cricifix, how to use your pope stick effectivly as a weapon, and I know some nuns that can teach you the secret of using a ruler to wap the Luther out of someone's hand.

7/06/2005 3:15 AM  
Blogger jamwall said...

perhaps the holy father could bless the vending machine contents much like how kosher foods feature the "K" on the label. you could have an "approved for absolution" seal on your Ho-Ho's. or maybe every treat could come with an absolution prize.

so many possibilities.....

7/06/2005 3:44 AM  
Anonymous Martin Luther said...

Reformation Day is usually quite the party in The Lutheran Church, but it is a day that would be quite symbolic. I stuck it to you demons once already, and I'll be glad to do my most sacred work on Reformation Day this year.

Hmmmm, I've been working on another 95 (give or take) Theses. I think I'll bring them with and staple them to the Vatican door.

Maybe even use some of those little post it notes and stick them to the vending machines.

Yours truly,

7/06/2005 4:57 AM  
Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

Here is another delightful post which brings me great joy, Your Holiness.

However, I have something that I suppose I had better confess right now:

I saw the film "Luther" over the weekend (with Joseph Fiennes) and I enjoyed it. I suppose that means penance is in order?

Please don't suggest I second Luther. I can't in good conscience sanction another holy war.

7/06/2005 5:00 AM  
Blogger Indianrunner12 said...

Maybe if your old buddy Pope Leo wouldn've been selling indulgences, everybody would still be Catholic.

Why the hell is Martin Kings middle name always used(Luther). He was a frikin Baptist preacher. I think it needs to start right here, right now. Next time you say someone say Martin LUTHER King, just ask them, "Why the heck did you feel the need to say that dudes middle name?"

7/06/2005 5:30 AM  
Anonymous Martin Luther King said...

OK, nail your 95 new prothesis to the vatican door, Martin Luther. We need a change!
(Well why not Luther? I am not really a King either!)

7/06/2005 1:28 PM  
Blogger A Little Bar of Soap said...

Your vending machine fetish is quite ungodly!

7/06/2005 3:16 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

I HATE James Lipton and want him to stop talking.

7/06/2005 4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who is James Lipton? The soup inventor?

7/06/2005 4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Didn`t he have something to do with tea?

7/06/2005 5:21 PM  
Anonymous Martin Luther said...

Ok MLK, I really wish you would stop using my great name. And really, as you stated, you are not even a king either. Stinkin' baptist.

Here's a couple of my new 95 (give or take a couple) Theses:

1. A so called holy dude like a Pope being a freakin' Nazi is blasphemy.

55. A diet consisting of snacky cakes is the work of Satan. An occasional vending machine apple strudel between regular meals (like wiener schnitzel or bratwurst & saurkraut)is ok.

I will maybe share more later, but this is a work in progress at the current time.


7/06/2005 6:01 PM  
Anonymous Lainey said...

Mr. Pope,
Jamwall is a brilliant genius. Perhaps you should consider replacing your agent and making him your business manager. I bet he could kick Luther's hiney.

7/06/2005 6:19 PM  
Blogger jamwall said...

thanks for the recommendation lainey!

i'll whoop that luther upside his head with my cowbell..

7/06/2005 10:21 PM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I truly hope those vending machines do not result in your early demise, your Holiness.
Besides, I also think that when you enter heaven, God should apologize for making you, well, a bit on the chunky side. (no offense, of course.)

7/07/2005 1:25 AM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

Barbara, no offense taken.

I'm a little upset about that, too.

7/07/2005 3:36 AM  
Blogger Admin said...

Wow, what a great site. I will bookmark this site and return often. It's nice to see sites like this.

Please visit my website and let me know what you think. Secret Confession

10/07/2005 4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marty...where ya been? Haven't seen you around campus? I remember you telling me your the shiraz fan and were decorating your house, Victorian fashion with the misses. Do you need work?

4/08/2006 6:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Martin Luther...you wouldn't know how to post anything with a stapler. You're not mechanical. Now, let me tell you about staplers...Swingline has a great new model but you writers have to remember to put the required inventory matched to the product number. Kind of like sex...only one fits.

4/08/2006 6:14 AM  

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