Inside the Actor's Studio
In an upcoming episode of “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” you’ll find me getting interviewed by James Lipton. I’m not an actor in the theatrical sense, but I am a public figure that must put on a smile and act happy most of the time. My agent also thought it might be a good idea to appear on the show to give people a glimpse into my personal life.
I’m not allowed to release the transcript of the entire show until after it airs on Bravo, but I am allowed to release my answers to his typical 10 last questions:
What is your favorite word?
Well, it’s actually two words: “Your Holiness.” I love it when people call me that.
What is your least favorite word?
Luther
What turns you on, excites you, inspires you - physically, creatively, spiritually?
Vending machines
What turns you off?
When vending machines refuse my wrinkled dollar bills.
What sound do you love?
I love listening to vending machines accepting my money. I also love listening to the metal coils as they turn to release my food.
What sound do you hate?
I hate the sound when the vending machine drops my food into the metal tray below. I’m afraid my food might get damaged during the fall.
What is your favorite curse word?
Luther
What profession, other than yours, would you like to try?
I guess if I had to choose another profession, than I’d probably want to be God. That is the next job above me, isn’t it? I guess it might be fun to be God for one day. I probably couldn’t just jump into the job right away. I’d probably need some training—even though I am the most qualified human on earth. I suppose I’d probably choose a Sabbath day as my first day on the job, so I wouldn’t have to do much.
What profession would you least like to try?
I’d hate to give people pedicures. I refuse to touch people’s dirty feet. Why can’t people just take care of their own feet? Why does someone have to clean another person’s toenails and scrape away their calluses? It grosses me out.
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
Well, it does exist. And when I do enter heaven—which is probably pretty soon—I imagine God would apologize to me for giving me dandruff, an oily complexion, and big pores.
posted by admin | 8:26 PM
28 Comments:
So Mister Anti-Christ, you got a problem with me??
i got it! you should have vending machine confessionals!!! drop in .75 cents and confess! after confessing, you get your choice of hostess products, cheetos, lemon-heads, etc.
that's a million-dollar idea!
Luther, it's time we fight.
Me and you in the alley behind the Vatican. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time.
Date: Oct 31, 2005
I hear Luther is an ear biter.
hit the vending machine from the side, 90% of the time helps dislodge stubborn vending food!
Ear biter?? I'll take out that sissy in the silly hat in clean fight.
October 31? I'll have to check my Outlook and get back to you.
Well, if you`d like to be God, his son washed other men`s feet. It is part of the job.
Oct,31 is Reformation day and also Halloween. Crazy bunch.
Your Holiness
As always, your answers to the questions presented by Mr. Lipton were inspired.
As to the sparring between You (The Vatican) and M. Luther, may I be contracted to film the video? October 31 is good for me; I was going to be in Rome that week anyhow.
yours in service
HP
In reference to Jamwall's vending machine confessional idea...it has potential. But do the delicious vending machines snacks substitute for absolution? Details, details, details.
Your Holiness,
Thank you for this inspired post. I'm going to print it out and frame it. I will never say L***** again out of respect for you.
I can't believe that L***** challenged you to a fight. I know that Your Holiness knows all, but shouldn't it at least be a duel? More respectable, ya know?
If you need a Second for the duel, I'm up for it.
Respectfully yours,
Tan Lucy, you can back me up. I think a duel is much more appropriate.
HP, I always love the way you think. I'll talk with my agent and we'll negotiate something.
Your Holiness,
Thanks for visiting my blog today! We will never forget you.
Your Popeness, I can email you a comprehensive training program to prepare for the fight. You will learn how to make a shank out of a cricifix, how to use your pope stick effectivly as a weapon, and I know some nuns that can teach you the secret of using a ruler to wap the Luther out of someone's hand.
perhaps the holy father could bless the vending machine contents much like how kosher foods feature the "K" on the label. you could have an "approved for absolution" seal on your Ho-Ho's. or maybe every treat could come with an absolution prize.
so many possibilities.....
Reformation Day is usually quite the party in The Lutheran Church, but it is a day that would be quite symbolic. I stuck it to you demons once already, and I'll be glad to do my most sacred work on Reformation Day this year.
Hmmmm, I've been working on another 95 (give or take) Theses. I think I'll bring them with and staple them to the Vatican door.
Maybe even use some of those little post it notes and stick them to the vending machines.
Yours truly,
Marty
Here is another delightful post which brings me great joy, Your Holiness.
However, I have something that I suppose I had better confess right now:
I saw the film "Luther" over the weekend (with Joseph Fiennes) and I enjoyed it. I suppose that means penance is in order?
Please don't suggest I second Luther. I can't in good conscience sanction another holy war.
OK, nail your 95 new prothesis to the vatican door, Martin Luther. We need a change!
(Well why not Luther? I am not really a King either!)
Your vending machine fetish is quite ungodly!
Who is James Lipton? The soup inventor?
Didn`t he have something to do with tea?
Ok MLK, I really wish you would stop using my great name. And really, as you stated, you are not even a king either. Stinkin' baptist.
Here's a couple of my new 95 (give or take a couple) Theses:
1. A so called holy dude like a Pope being a freakin' Nazi is blasphemy.
55. A diet consisting of snacky cakes is the work of Satan. An occasional vending machine apple strudel between regular meals (like wiener schnitzel or bratwurst & saurkraut)is ok.
I will maybe share more later, but this is a work in progress at the current time.
Marty
Mr. Pope,
Jamwall is a brilliant genius. Perhaps you should consider replacing your agent and making him your business manager. I bet he could kick Luther's hiney.
thanks for the recommendation lainey!
i'll whoop that luther upside his head with my cowbell..
I truly hope those vending machines do not result in your early demise, your Holiness.
Besides, I also think that when you enter heaven, God should apologize for making you, well, a bit on the chunky side. (no offense, of course.)
Barbara, no offense taken.
I'm a little upset about that, too.
Marty...where ya been? Haven't seen you around campus? I remember you telling me your the shiraz fan and were decorating your house, Victorian fashion with the misses. Do you need work?
Martin Luther...you wouldn't know how to post anything with a stapler. You're not mechanical. Now, let me tell you about staplers...Swingline has a great new model but you writers have to remember to put the required inventory matched to the product number. Kind of like sex...only one fits.
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