Bless You

Some people spend their day fixing cars. Some people spend their day fixing computers. I spend my day blessing people. I know it might sound easy, but you have no idea what’s its like to bless thousands of people everyday.

Imagine raising your arms and spouting a liturgical chant every ten-minutes. Go on, try it for 10 hours and see how you like it. It can be quite tiring for someone my age. My throat gets dry, my arms begin to quiver, and I’ve started to get lower back pain.

And then imagine trying to stay enthusiastic. Every time I say a blessing, I’m supposed to pretend as if it’s the first time I’ve given that blessing. It’s like being an international rock star and having to play the same darn songs with passion night after night, year after year.

Then imagine the body odors I have to deal with. Some people have been traveling quite a distance to see me and have been sweating in the sun all day. By the time they get near me, they smell terrible. I have to smile and try to refrain from smelling while giving a blessing. This takes some practice.

And then imagine, after a day of blessing 7,000 people, you get back inside your white Escalade and your assistant forgot to stock it with cold water, wine and snacks.

You get on your cell phone to ask your assistant about the food, but all you get is voice mail. And then when your driver starts the car, he realizes that he forgot to fill up the tank with gas. And then when he drives to the gas station, another group of people approach my white Escalade and want a blessing.

So you give a blessing and get back in the car.

And then on the way back to the Vatican, you notice that the driver had pushed the recycled air button. After an hour of being in the car, you realize that you’ve been breathing in the same air as the hired driver. This is where I draw the line.

It's time for another vacation.