Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Bless You

Some people spend their day fixing cars. Some people spend their day fixing computers. I spend my day blessing people. I know it might sound easy, but you have no idea what’s its like to bless thousands of people everyday.

Imagine raising your arms and spouting a liturgical chant every ten-minutes. Go on, try it for 10 hours and see how you like it. It can be quite tiring for someone my age. My throat gets dry, my arms begin to quiver, and I’ve started to get lower back pain.

And then imagine trying to stay enthusiastic. Every time I say a blessing, I’m supposed to pretend as if it’s the first time I’ve given that blessing. It’s like being an international rock star and having to play the same darn songs with passion night after night, year after year.

Then imagine the body odors I have to deal with. Some people have been traveling quite a distance to see me and have been sweating in the sun all day. By the time they get near me, they smell terrible. I have to smile and try to refrain from smelling while giving a blessing. This takes some practice.

And then imagine, after a day of blessing 7,000 people, you get back inside your white Escalade and your assistant forgot to stock it with cold water, wine and snacks.

You get on your cell phone to ask your assistant about the food, but all you get is voice mail. And then when your driver starts the car, he realizes that he forgot to fill up the tank with gas. And then when he drives to the gas station, another group of people approach my white Escalade and want a blessing.

So you give a blessing and get back in the car.

And then on the way back to the Vatican, you notice that the driver had pushed the recycled air button. After an hour of being in the car, you realize that you’ve been breathing in the same air as the hired driver. This is where I draw the line.

It's time for another vacation.


Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Why dont you make an automatic blessing machine?

Just buy one of those "fortune teller" carnival machine things, put in an animatronic pope, and program in some generic blessings. People could insert their money and get blessed!

7/20/2005 5:35 AM  
Blogger jamwall said...

you might have to bring some "Axe" deoderant spray to freshen up some of these people who visit. just relabel the spray container "Holy spray" or something.

7/20/2005 5:48 AM  
Blogger Robert said...

For your vacation I recommend a cruise - maybe to Alaska.

7/20/2005 8:13 AM  
Blogger dAAve said...

Your Holiness

I can't imagine the level of difficulties that you must endure. Look into getting an enclosed, air-conditioned helmet (with glass face-plate). This would solve having to smell your stinky children.

Where do you get petrol? I suggest the VatiGas station, only 3 blocks from your humble abode. The full-serve lane gets your windows washed FOR FREE!!

yours in service

7/20/2005 12:51 PM  
Blogger Cincy Diva said...

You know, if you had simply turned some water into petrol you would have guaranteed your sainthood. Probably even before your demise. I know the Dubya would have voted for you

7/20/2005 2:58 PM  
Anonymous c.t. said...

I saw your clips on Letterman last night. He said you were on vacation. He could tell becuase you had been fly fishing and had flys stuck to your pointy hat. I like Letterman.

7/20/2005 4:58 PM  
Blogger Trudging said...

Keep on keeping on ....

7/20/2005 5:14 PM  
Blogger Trudging said...

Keep on keeping on ....

7/20/2005 5:14 PM  
Blogger actonbell said...

It sounds like you had a rough day. Go sit in the air-conditioning with some Pinot Noir and your favorite vending machine food.

7/21/2005 12:52 AM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Holy Father,

The hired driver was just trying to suck up all your holiness. He must be fired. Maybe condemned to hell.

You are so good and giving. Definitely, take a vacation. But NOT from blogging.

7/21/2005 2:27 AM  
Blogger fsgsf said...

Great blog, your holiness!!


NJ from NJ

7/21/2005 4:09 PM  
Blogger resless guy said...

am sure after al the troubles' the blessings' is wel worth it,...

7/30/2005 5:01 PM  
Blogger Quit Smoking said...

Hello fellow fisherman,

Did you know that 16% of the U.S. population goes fishing at least 16 days a year?

Did you also know that over 75% of the nations fishermen do not fish during "prime time"; fish feeding hours?

Those precious few moments before twilight can be absolutely magical. Even up until 11pm at night, the largest predators of any species feed ravenously.

Don't believe me? Check out Daniel Eggertsen's story, and a picture of a couple of his catches here : "Evening Secrets plus more"

I want you to do me a favor and try it out so I can see what you think of it, and if it works for you as well as it did for me.

You will be one of the first to try it out.

Gone Fishin',


10/09/2005 4:23 AM  

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