Friday, May 06, 2005

Vending Machines at the Vatican

Whether you're punching the buttons to get a soft Twinkie, or secretly shaking the machine to get those Hostess Pink Snowballs, vending machine food always fulfills some deep need in mankind's innate depravity.

I usually don't visit a vending machine until I'm desperately hungry, but that's where they get me. I step up to the glass and start looking at all the delicious items. I look up at the bag of trail mix, and then over to the bag of cookies, and then down at the glazed honey bun god. I see the bun beckon me, calling my name for help.

To appease the victim (and my rumbling stomach), I open my wallet and begin ironing out the crumpled bill in my hand. I slowly insert the bill, and wait to see the credit appear on the digital screen above the keypad. For some reason, the bill always comes back, so I begin ironing it out again and insert it once more. It always works on the second (or sixth) try.

I type in the appropriate vending machine code "B23" and wait for the snake coil to release the forbidden treat. I watch the snake unravel its tail, as it releases my beautiful, glazed honey bun. I bite my bottom lip during the its descent, praying that the sacred glaze doesn't crack when it hits the bottom.

When it finally arrives, I'll cradle it in my arms for a couple minutes, checking for any scratches or bruises.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm. I sure love those honey buns.


Blogger bschneider5 said...

I thought that with all the kiddie sex scandals that were going on, honeybuns were outlawed in the Vatican. Hey thanks for blessing Bradsblog for me. It was refreshing. Since Satan is keeping tabs on your books, I'll just pay you under the table(screw the IRS too!) God bless. Hal-li-lew-yah!!

5/06/2005 2:16 PM  
Blogger AP3 said...

Don't you just hate it when the item gets STUCK on its way down? That's the worst!

5/06/2005 3:28 PM  
Blogger dAAve said...

I got some buns for ya, honey.
Oh yeah, you can't do that stuff. Pity.

5/06/2005 3:44 PM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I would imagine that lining up, having to make that decision regarding the selection of what to buy for the day, must be truly burdensome, especially for someone of your stature. Maybe a bit of higher direction could help?
I would go for the pink snowball. Pink seems to lighten up the day.

5/06/2005 4:13 PM  
Anonymous A loyal Pope-fan said...

I've been kind of hooked on Skittles lately.

5/06/2005 4:28 PM  
Blogger Trudging said...

Hey Pope,

You didn't answer me, is it ture you prayed not to be pope?

5/06/2005 5:24 PM  
Blogger A.T. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/06/2005 6:20 PM  
Blogger Jane King said...

Amen to Allen Thornburgh

5/06/2005 6:27 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

A limerick for thee:

There once was a guy named Joe,
Who thought he was just a schmo,
He threw out his rum,
Made Pope John his chum,
Now look at the old fella go!

5/06/2005 6:55 PM  
Blogger Sehbai said...

pope in the news is so old now this blog has become lame

DIE ALREADY! (so we can elect a new one)

5/06/2005 7:26 PM  
Blogger Ale said...

Nice one JR-
I love the whole snake illustration... i guess its true, we really havn't changed much from times of Garden of eden, oh well

5/06/2005 7:44 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

all this poping fun at things has left me weeping in laughter!

5/06/2005 8:11 PM  
Blogger sidcruise said...

Hello Pope.

I have a query why they select the Popes in 70s to be the Pope dont you think they should be made early around 40 to 50 so it will give them more time.....

Benedict was 13 when he was made Pope some centuries ago....

anyways very intersting blog I must say......

5/06/2005 8:13 PM  
Blogger Whit said...

Unless it is just a need of yours to go through the motions of using the vending machine, I would have really though the Vatican would have some sort of kitchen with complimentary snacks available to you and your Papal guests -- and that they would stock it with things that you liked.

Perhaps it's just me, but you may want to look into replacing your whole staff or at least get an outside consulting firm to advise them on how to serve you better so that you can serve the masses without having to worry about vending machine issues.

(Just a side question -- since you are celibate, can you at least partake of Hershey's Kisses? Or is that crossing the line?)

5/06/2005 10:38 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

Honey buns, tsk!

5/06/2005 11:43 PM  
Blogger GroovyVic said...

Skittles, man, Skittles! Don't forget a pack of minty gum to freshen your breath!!!

5/07/2005 1:04 AM  
Blogger dddragon said...

Will the honey buns replace the communion wafers? Perhaps that will bring more people back to the Church!

5/07/2005 1:50 AM  
Blogger Josh said...

honey buns and pink snowballs are the best treats out of a vending machine!!! your a cool pope!!!

5/07/2005 2:05 AM  
Blogger Josh said...

why did you change your name!?! go tell me at!!!

5/07/2005 2:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ur stupid

5/07/2005 4:51 AM  
Blogger Silvia said...

Hi Pope!!!

5/07/2005 5:12 AM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

I have an idea for you. As Pope, you can order people to do stuff right?

Order wine vending machines! That would rule.

5/07/2005 8:09 AM  
Blogger This Guy said...

I love this blog! I will sometimes buy a bag of chips from a vending machine to use as a cushion for the honey bun to land on. Kind of a waste of money, but you guys have plenty.

5/07/2005 11:26 AM  
Blogger jevanking™ said...

Thank you for visiting my blog, Your Holiness. I hope you are enjoying a honey bun right now.

5/07/2005 12:21 PM  
Blogger Weary Hag said...

I would have thought you'd like Skittles or M&Ms instead. They're well rounded little jobbies and all the colors exist in that one bag so nicely together. Doesn't that remind you of a perfect world?

5/07/2005 12:42 PM  
Blogger actonbell said...

I always close my eyes as the item drops, and tell myself that if it gets stuck and doesn't drop, I wasn't meant to have it. OR, I might walk away with TWO packs of M&Ms, or Doritos.

5/07/2005 3:51 PM  
Blogger Patti said...

Hi Pope! I heard on TV that you went from having a nice salary as Cardinal to NO salary as Pope! Well, I hope you saved your euro coins well, or else you're going to have to borrow some to use the vending machines. If I were you, the first thing I would do as Pope would be to give yourself a little pocket money. What if you're strolling around the streets and have a sudden urge for Orangina and a cannolli? And there is that sandwich stand right there out near the piazza, you know, the one with those great prosciutto sandwiches? It's right in front of the Savelli gallery. Granted, if they recognize you, you might just get them for free, but I think the publicity would be tacky.
Please write to me if you want me to send you some of my old lira coins, I think you can exchange them for some euros.

5/10/2005 2:50 AM  
Anonymous Refurbished and used Vending Machines said...

With vending machine business, you can be your own boss. It is you who will determine the vending machine business plan, and decide which vending machine to buy, among the different available vending machines like soft drink dispenser, toy dispenser, gum ball dispenser, etc.

6/22/2011 7:39 AM  

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