The Spanish Inquisition

Someone asked me about my thoughts on the Spanish Inquisition. Here’s my response:

The Spanish Inquisition was a terrible, terrible massacre that should have never occurred. If I were Pope back then, things would have been quite different.

Not only was it wrong, but it also required a working knowledge of Spanish.

My Spanish is terrible. I know enough Spanish to order a margarita and find out where the restroom is located. What kind of Spanish Inquisition would that be?

I’m sure my inquisitions would have been a lot more fun—-if anything. I wouldn’t even call them inquisitions; I’d just call them “brief interviews with a Spaniard in a pub.”

Why threaten people into Catholicism, when you could use a margarita? And I’d never use opium, as Marx suggested.

Another bonus about me being Pope back then is that Poe’s classic story “The Pit and the Pendulum” (which delves into the atrocities of the Inquisition) would have been renamed “The Pub and the Potty.”

I’m sure it would have been really funny book, and gained me some converts at the same time. So we both would win.