Thursday, May 12, 2005

TSAR WARS

With the growing excitement about the new Star Wars movie, I think it’s time for me to get into the action by developing my own video game based on the movie.

I’m going to call it “TSAR WARS” and it would feature me as a crime-fighting Pope that can travel through the world and time to fight and destroy evil dictators.

In the game, I’d be able to travel through time and kill off people like Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Lenin, Pol Pot, and the Sith. I might also want to get rid of Galileo because he caused the Church some problems, too.

My goal would be to create peace and harmony in the world.

My weapons would include boiling holy water, an iron Bible with spikes, and an ability to cause people to fall asleep through readings of my catechism. I need to set a meeting with PlayStation.

59 Comments:

Blogger GodlessMom said...

Most Holy Father,

Brilliant idea! And you should definitely take out Galileo, I mean you can't take out the Sith and leave Galileo. It's a no-brainer.

Your Servant,
GodlessMom

5/12/2005 4:10 PM  
Blogger A.T. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/12/2005 4:11 PM  
Blogger Tony Tornado said...

I'm sure it would be a huge success!

Thanks for the visit!

5/12/2005 4:14 PM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

An idea of staggering dimension.

Might you want to test it out on our own political administration here in the United States? It would definitely give you the attention you desire, and us the reprive we deserve!

5/12/2005 4:25 PM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

Barbara, you continue to amaze me. Let me talk with the Execs at PlayStation and get their thoughts.

5/12/2005 4:30 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

No one expects The Spanish Inquisition!

5/12/2005 4:44 PM  
Blogger AP3 said...

Good luck with the peace and harmony, yo!

5/12/2005 4:44 PM  
Blogger Pyra said...

Wow. A pope who likes video games. I didn't know you exist. Goodluck. You can probably make some mula(money?) on a game like that. ;x

5/12/2005 4:46 PM  
Anonymous sue said...

That sounds like a great idea! Good luck with this project and be sure to post when the game is available in stores.

5/12/2005 5:02 PM  
Blogger The Elusive Loo said...

Sounds good. Maybe you could dust down the old pope mobile and have a Pod-racer style level.

5/12/2005 5:25 PM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Peace and harmony achieved through spiked bibles and boiling holy water! Genius! Pure genius.

Killing people for the lord isn't new of course, but this crusade of yours is fresh.

5/12/2005 5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would kill them with Kindness! That is a really powerful weapon. Are you really the pope?

5/12/2005 5:45 PM  
Blogger dAAve said...

You really DO continue to amaze me, Your Holiness. But I guess that is why you're the Pope, and W ain't.

5/12/2005 6:05 PM  
Blogger Ale said...

THAT's AWESOME Papa JR!
i think you should have a sexy blonde sidekick --
hmm, interesting that you included Lenin... you have a special aversion to communism i see--

5/12/2005 6:29 PM  
Blogger dddragon said...

Would the apostles be your sidekicks? Or some of the saints or angels? Maybe Matt Damon could be the model for a Loki-type character ("Dogma").

And I can see the ol' popemobile a la batmobile, all decked out with special options ... shooting rosaries out the back, giving the road a covering of holy water, a Horn that can knock down buildings ...

5/12/2005 7:06 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

we're most popeful in canada that would be a most popeular new video game...

5/12/2005 7:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While you're at it, could you just off Ashlee Simpson for fun?

Thanks in advance.

5/12/2005 7:56 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

This is exactly the kind of thinking we need to counteract over-reported cases of priestly pedophilia.

I would respectfully suggest, Holy Father, that you engage some top-notch PR/Marketing firms to launch this in such a way as to drown out the next big pedophilia case. Make sure the PR firm has worked for the Bush camp, and is good at creating Video News Releases, cuz we'll need some "news" here.

On weapons: surely you can do better than that! There's a museum of the Inquisition up the road in Siena, I believe. Get Weta in there with their greenscreen and scanners to fully digitize the wealth of torture implements your faith tradition has in its arsenal.

Dona nobis pacem.

PS: Is there any way to get you sainted before you die?

5/12/2005 8:31 PM  
Anonymous Lord Lucifer said...

What the...?!! Hey! Corrupting the minds of the yoofs thru pop culture is MY domain popey!
DO NOT forget our prior agreement or my creepy minions (lawyers) will be paying yours a visit.

5/12/2005 8:33 PM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Please Your Holiness, don't be concerned about threats from Lord Lucifer. No one can harm you except God himself/herself.

Well, I guess Jesus could too, but he's into turning the other cheek, whereas God can be quite vengeful. But not to worry. God picked you to be the Pope, and you can't have done anything to displease him/her this early in your Pope-tum.

5/12/2005 8:39 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

One more thing, Papa, you MUST include Giodorno Bruno in your enemies list. Could be a good ending to the game (if it is deemed to have one by your infallible self): burn Bruno in the Campo Dei Fiori and we can all party like it's 1599 again (well, 1600, but you get my drift).

Question: if popes have been infallible since the late 19th century, then does that mean former popes were fallible? Related: if popes have been infallible since the late 19th century, then why is the Vatican II reform movement being dismantled. Was that pope not infallible?

--Confused, but wanting to Believe...oh, how I do so want to Believe!

5/12/2005 8:39 PM  
Blogger jackie said...

dude... you are... very special. AHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

5/12/2005 10:12 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Just so there's no misunderstanding, I am a completely secular atheist; thus, my busting on the Catholic Church could be applied to any faith, in principle, if not in all details. That's why I love this blog; satire is a powerful weapon.

However, if you believe, and don't believe that you need to force your beliefs on others, I don't care what you believe...and, to paraphrase Voltaire, I'll fight for your right to be wrong to the death.

Just live and let live, and accept the separation of church (or whatever) and state, and you're OK in my book.

Get evangelical on me...and, well, you gotta go into this video game of Papa Joe's.

PS: My fiancee was born Italian-American Catholic. She got over the Catholic part. ;) I was born Eastern-European-American Jewish. I got over the Jewish part. ;) We're hesitating on the American part -- are you talking BushCo? Not our president. Are you talking the Founders? Love 'em -- that deistic bunch of rabble rousers! (Not quite rabble-rousing enough.)

5/12/2005 11:02 PM  
Blogger Josh said...

that kicks the crap out of star wars, george lucas should be ashamed!!!

5/12/2005 11:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tan Lucy Pez why did you put God himself/herself? In the bible it says God gave His only Son to die on the cross for our sins. HIS ONLY SON!!! How special is that?

5/13/2005 12:01 AM  
Blogger Words are deadly said...

Personally I really rather dont like star wars. I know, I am weird right? A lot of my class mates at high school say I am, cuz I dont like star wars. I just dont see whats so facinating about it.

However, If you did something like X-men, I would get it. I LOVE THE X-MEN! Especialy wolverine, he is cool!

5/13/2005 12:56 AM  
Blogger bschneider5 said...

With the wave of a Pope ring, you spawn dozens of small altar boys wearing their tighty whiteys and help you fight crime and do other worldly favors. Bradsblog

5/13/2005 1:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your holiness,
don't forget your other mighty weapons:
death by incense asphyxiation
head injury with holy scepter
strangulation by rosary.....

5/13/2005 3:33 AM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

You all have such wonderful ideas. I can't imagine they'll turn me down now.

5/13/2005 3:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or a beating with the cross.
I imagine being nailed to it is not pc

5/13/2005 4:40 AM  
Blogger Scott W said...

Tonight's dinner consisted of medium rare NY strip steak, scalloped potatoes and fresh sweet green peas with sauteed mushrooms. I'll bring along my personal chef if we get that invite to the Vatican. Deal?

5/13/2005 5:25 AM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

Scott, you're invited anytime.

5/13/2005 6:31 AM  
Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

You're just stealing ideas from South Park!

5/13/2005 7:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/13/2005 7:35 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Time for everyone to be jealous, even envious. My family is going to see the new Star Wars movie TOMORROW night! Yes, Friday, the 13th. A sneek preview. Hooray!! My daughter will blog about it all after we get back:

http://cmarie88.blogspot.com


You should include poisoned Pinot in your weapons.

5/13/2005 8:44 AM  
Blogger Guillaume said...

lol funny, I'm not a big video game player but I would certainly love to try out this one :)

5/13/2005 8:56 AM  
Blogger darji aka drg aka dhruv aka tuki welcomes u said...

herr pope thank you for visiting my friends blog, vipulnanda2.blogspot.com,
i would like to know ur views on frndship and wat god means to you.

5/13/2005 10:21 AM  
Blogger vipul said...

your holiness i might sound rude but hitler was a brilliant person i have read his book mein kampf its stupendous his idea mite not have been that of the church but then he was formed n nurtured out of the wrongdoings of france and england and it was america who declared war on germany hitler infact is one of my role models...

5/13/2005 10:58 AM  
Anonymous Sola Fide said...

Ho Pope,

Why stay in modern times? You could do something along the lines of Command and Conquer and re-live all the old battles - Derry,
Aughrim, Enniskillen and the Boyne. Defeat Protestantism in one fell swoop, get Luther, Calvin, Knox, Pastor Jack Glass, Ulrich the Z, not to mention King Billy himself, and put them all to death.

Codemasters (Genius atPlay) might let you name the game "Worms:the Die-it"

5/13/2005 11:41 AM  
Blogger vipul said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/13/2005 1:23 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Vipul: That's either high satire or a sign of psychological problems. Hitler was a mass murderer of epic proportions who destroyed his entire country and incinerated 12 million people in ovens (not just 5-6 million Jews, also Catholics who had the balls to resist, gays, any political enemies, Slavs, "Gypsies," etc.), based on completely false racial "theories." He started a world war and created his own Goetterdammerung.

That's your role model? If you're serious, get help.

5/13/2005 2:05 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

PS: Yes, I've read Mein Kampf, too. Twice. Got to know the enemy.

5/13/2005 2:06 PM  
Blogger dhruv said...

y do u think hitler was like that doug??....because he wanted to be so or his upbringing was such...he never got to noe the value of a life and therby treated everyone about him as his enemy and was on the constant move to take revenge against the world and yes if the pope comes here please tell him to temme sumthing about frndhsip and how to NOT break it because im at such a stage where all advice is welcome!

5/13/2005 2:55 PM  
Blogger dhruv said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/13/2005 2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Luther was a great man! I don't know why you would want to kill him!

5/13/2005 3:03 PM  
Blogger dhruv said...

i forgot to add this if galileo had not been there we would have never been able to solve the mysterious of outer space and would have remained as ignorant of space as we are of pollution these days...also, could u tell me y there are no women in the the papal heirarchy...i am extremely against the church against many of its ideas, i study in tenth grade and have got to know this much thro my history teacher and therby wanted to know why in an age of liberalisation and globalisation there has been no advancement in the church's character towards advancement and freedom of the people!!!!!

5/13/2005 3:06 PM  
Blogger vipul said...

doug r u a jewish coz i think u r

btw wat abt america in japan wat abt everythin in wwI where nobody is blamed if u idolise sum body dat doesnt mn dat u like everythin in dat person bt sum qualities dat r rare in oders....

hitler fullfilled his dream 2 lead so many ppl he ceratinly must have had had leaderships qualities which i bet u dont have

he let his ppl in belivin dat dey cud conquer dey cud conquer da wrld n dey tried n alomst did dat ......

5/13/2005 3:07 PM  
Blogger dhruv said...

thats what i wanna say as well, people who attacked the world did not do so without any rhyme or reason, but with a powerful objective and only the one with the drive and determination to complete it cld ever achieve wat hitler did!!!

5/13/2005 3:10 PM  
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

48 comments must be a record! It is so good to see that the Catholic church has not lost its appeal nor fallen out of favor with all the recent scandals over the past few years.

It must be your reasuring presence, Pope Joe!

Three Cheers.

5/13/2005 3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doug:

Keep in mind that vipul is only 14 years old, from India, and not able to speak English very well.

5/13/2005 3:17 PM  
Blogger vipul said...

poor chap doug is a 35 yr old american my foot of rhode island who has no other thing to do than post commemts and this shows that you are unemployed poor chap.....and yea how did you know that i cant speak english very well and for info. am typing not writing by the way if you have forgotten america is the rudest country in this world n yes i know more about the second world war than you can ever imagine....

bet you voted for John kerry coz for me you are also a loser like him....


and your holiness i would be happy beyond imagination if you could please tell me your views n one thing more it would be nice if you could tell me what does your daily routine seem like...

5/13/2005 4:18 PM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

Vipul,

Good question. Let me blog about that. I need to get back to work. My computer is having some problems. The Vatican I.T. crew is not very helpful.

5/13/2005 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your holiness,

It sounds an awful lot like an old cartoon by Hanna-Barbera called "Super President". The president, with
the help of his loyal chief of staff, would head for secret subfloors of the white house to his special jet whenever trouble appeared that was too difficult for the normal authoriites to handle.

Looked and sounded an awful lot like "Space Ghost", Birdman and of course, Scott McCloud the EBI's "Space Angel" from Cambria studios here in sunny CA.

Which reminds me, you should start a new late night show on the EWRT network... "The Pope Coast to Coast".
Whaddya think?

5/14/2005 2:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the guy who writes this blog is very intelligent: not as intelligent as our lovely new Pope but... you know how to make people laugh. Are you a professional comedian?
I have to say though, with this one you are a bit wide of the mark. The REAL Pope Benedict XVI would never advocate what you're suggesting. I think one thing we've learnt is that peace and harmony don't happen through bashing people over the head. A truly intelligent and truly gentle man like Papa Ratzi can see that. Doug, no one is forcing their views on you. Even with evangelisation there is the free will to refuse that God gave everyone.

5/14/2005 8:09 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

Vipul: Seek help. I hope you're actually 14, because then there's some hope you can overcome these pretty scary issues you've got.

Anonymous: Actually, in America, there is an incredibly powerful movement to foist a certain brand of rightwing Christianity (a minority view, for sure -- even within the evangelical community, so I've read) on the rest of the country. Check it out; it's too obvious, and well-observed by supporters and detractors, not to notice.

5/14/2005 2:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GO BUSH!!! BOO KERRY!

5/14/2005 3:28 PM  
Blogger Doug said...

Well, that's a well-reasoned retort, anonymous (if it's the same "anonymous").

5/17/2005 4:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it wasn't the same anonymous, thanks.

5/20/2005 7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOOHOO!! I'm with you other anonymous, GO BUSH, BOO KERRY!!!

9/10/2005 3:16 PM  

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