Sunday, May 08, 2005


During really boring meetings with the Cardinals, I start brainstorming about other possible careers. I doodle on whatever paper I have in front of me and dream about my other passions. I know that I'm kind of stuck being Pope, but I still really want to pursue another career on the side. I'm thinking about sending my resume to Hostess.

I maybe the only person that appreciates the inherent value of preserved-packaged food, but for some reason vending machine foods make me smile. I've often thought of getting a job working in a development position at Hostess. I'd get together each day with the other Hostess development executives, and we'd brainstorm together on creating new Hostess treats. Here's my first pitch to the group:

"I can't help but think about the genius of the Chocodile. When Hostess wed the Ding Dong and Twinkie to produce the Chocodile, it shot up sales forty-percent. So I started thinking about a possible marriage between the vanilla Zinger and the coconut Pink Snowball. I'd like to call it: Pinger!"

Not only would I want to be involved in giving the green-light to new Hostess creations, but also used to punch-up the older treats.

"Sales on Pink Snowballs are slowing down, and we need to start thinking of ways to encourage sales. Now, we just did a survey on people living in Norco, California, and we learned that these people are more likely to buy the Pink Snowballs if we include three balls instead of just two. It would also help to have some sort of cross-promotional deal with NASCAR."

In order to get a development position at Hostess, one must be extremely familiar with the design and traits of packaged goods. Candidates for a development executive position at Hostess should be thoroughly versed in Cicero's De Treatus Packagedis (roughly translated: Concerning Packaged Treats).

In his writings, we learn that food offered in vending machines must be of a special hybrid: durable enough to sustain the fall once released from the metal coils, and yet soft enough to feign eternal freshness. Much like a seasoned prostitute, vending machine food must be scantily clad in some transparent outfit, and yet never allowing the viewer to cop a feel until the price has been paid.

But whereas in ancient Rome a prostitute could be seduced through an oration of Ovidian poetry, we must be aware that vending machine food will never come until the dollar is inserted in the machine. Reciting Ovid to a vending machine will only produce madness--never packaged cookies.


Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

I must be getting sicker and sicker in my middle age!

Your humour is so classic!

Truthfully, you should do all you can to encourage and have a pink theme dominate at the Vatican. Snowballs, lights, maybe a couple flaminagos, and some rose bushes, with fragrant incense flowers. It would be intoxicating.

5/08/2005 8:03 PM  
Blogger Justin Francis said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/08/2005 9:35 PM  
Blogger jevanking™ said...

Pope, even you should know that Hostess doesn't make Zingers! Dolly Madison does, but they are still good. Don't apologize, you are already forgiven...

5/08/2005 9:42 PM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Pope, you seem to really enjoy your vending machine foods! How about vending machine drinks? Which do you think is the best

1. Classic Coke
2. Cherry Coke
3. Vanilla Coke
4. Coke With Lime

Pepsi was left out because it is satanic, and diet is extra super satanic.

If you send your blessings to Coca-Cola to hire me for their product research and design - and I will write Hostess a letter recommending you to a post there. I would marry the timeless flavor of Cherry Coke to the rather new Vanilla Coke. Ummmmmmmm.

5/08/2005 11:43 PM  
Blogger Pope Benedict XVI said...

iguana, you're thinking just like me now. The cherry-vanilla coke idea is amazing. I'm going to order one tonight.

5/09/2005 1:25 AM  
Blogger GodlessMom said...

Most Holy Father, How about replacing communion wafers with the new Pingers? Hostess would seriously benefit from a huge exclusive supply contract with the Church and people might be more likely to attend church if they knew they would get such a treat every Sunday.

Your Servant,

5/09/2005 4:26 PM  
Anonymous Coca-cola execitive said...

How about a deal with Coca-Cola to bottle vending machine sized commnuion wine? Or maybe a carbonated version? You could put your picture on the can. Maybe add the coat of arms? Call it....Pope-a-cola? Give us a call. We'll talk.

5/09/2005 4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I've been thinkimg. How about a cross promotion type thing with Cadillac? Ford had a deal with LL Bean for their explorer. Maybe a Cadillac Escalade - Pope Edition? Give me the word and I'll get in touch with my contacts.

5/09/2005 4:43 PM  
Blogger Patti said...

Hi Pope! I am so glad you wrote about this topic. I have always wondered what the Pope eats. I figured it was mostly fish dishes, what with that Peter legacy hanging over your head and all.
And you don't have to worry about getting fat, either, since all of those vestments can hide an extra lub or two!

5/10/2005 2:44 AM  
Blogger Jonathan said...

What about Dr Pepper? Surely you're a lover of Dr Pepper pope. It is, after all, the Lando Calrissian of sodas.

5/12/2005 2:32 PM  
Blogger Jonathan said...

Pope Pepper?

5/12/2005 2:32 PM  
Anonymous RED said...

Great idea! Pingers instead of communion wafers would get me back in the fold, well, it would if you could also do something about that lame handshaking that came about after I left 8th grade (and the church).

I hope the Pingers would retain raspberry flavor as it is my favorite. Hope you don't mind, your excellency, my thoughts but you seem to be more open to us little people than I imagined.

5/14/2005 4:18 PM  
Anonymous Blue said...

Dr. Poper?

5/14/2005 10:37 PM  

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