The Intervention

Several concerned Cardinals came to me last week about a Vatican janitor who has a drinking problem. I was shocked and horrified that any of my employees would be drinking on the job (besides Mass of course).

My first response was that we hide the communion wine. My second response was that we should hold an intervention to show our concern about this matter.

A group of us gathered in my chambers and I invited him over for a cocktail. The minute he walked in, he immediately suspected something. I guess the fact that I didn’t have a jar of olives on my mini bar gave it away.

I told him to sit down and relax. I told him we were all concerned that he was not only drinking too much, but also forgetting to clean our restrooms properly. We ran out of soap twice last week. I had to resort to using my disinfecting wipes to clean my hands.

He soberly apologized and promised to keep his drinking binges to weekends and holidays. I graciously thanked him, and also asked if he could start using a liquid soap that smells like lavender. He said he would.

My job is complete.