Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Intervention

Several concerned Cardinals came to me last week about a Vatican janitor who has a drinking problem. I was shocked and horrified that any of my employees would be drinking on the job (besides Mass of course).

My first response was that we hide the communion wine. My second response was that we should hold an intervention to show our concern about this matter.

A group of us gathered in my chambers and I invited him over for a cocktail. The minute he walked in, he immediately suspected something. I guess the fact that I didn’t have a jar of olives on my mini bar gave it away.

I told him to sit down and relax. I told him we were all concerned that he was not only drinking too much, but also forgetting to clean our restrooms properly. We ran out of soap twice last week. I had to resort to using my disinfecting wipes to clean my hands.

He soberly apologized and promised to keep his drinking binges to weekends and holidays. I graciously thanked him, and also asked if he could start using a liquid soap that smells like lavender. He said he would.

My job is complete.


Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Are you still using those little bars of soap, like the ones found in the hotels? Somehow, I remember reading that becoming Pope entitled you to expand your horizons, and have bigger things surrounding you! Check out the Irish Spring.

On a side note: I believe that it would be fruitful to apply for a 12 step program through AA and have one set up in Vatican city. It sounds as if there are many souls who could benefit from this idea!

Keep coming back.

5/11/2005 4:33 PM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Huh? You sort of told a LIE didn't you? I mean, you invited him for a cocktail without intending to actually give him a cocktail.

Is your holiness allowed to lie? To whom do you confess? Who is YOUR priest? Jesus himself I guess? No?

5/11/2005 5:33 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Let's pray his "sober" apology lasts.

5/11/2005 7:25 PM  
Blogger Ale said...

Waw, papa', i'm disapointed- you guys didn't beat out the "alcoholism" from him exorcist style?? why not-

5/11/2005 7:45 PM  
Blogger Grace said...

Gosh, AA meetings at the Vatican? Well one wouldnt have to look too far to find a Higher Power. What a lucky man! Can I also suggest Tea Tree oil glycerine soap from the Body Shop? Its very refreshing and has antiseptic qualities which might protect when around the less hygenic?

5/11/2005 7:49 PM  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Concerning soap and soap choices...

You should consider doing away with bar soap. It gets hairs stuck into it and looks gross. It is also slippery. I could make a cheezy "drop the soap" joke now but I will refrain from doing so.

You need that liuid body soap stuff. I made the switch and it is great. Just hide the foo-foo poofy plastic washcloth thing.

5/11/2005 8:59 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

You are indeed your brother's keeper. Praise Jesus.

Try some of the nice smelling anti-bacterial soaps from Bath & Body Works. However, they're also addicting so the janitor might wanna watch it.

5/11/2005 9:22 PM  
Blogger jevanking™ said...

Holy Father,

Have you tried the antibacterial hand liquid that you just rub on without using water? That would be much better instead of soap. It also comes in the travel size for whenever you arent in the bathroom...

5/11/2005 10:36 PM  
Blogger dAAve said...

Whatever it takes.

5/12/2005 2:10 AM  
Blogger bschneider5 said...

If he stole my booze, I'd beat the crap out of him!!Bradsblog

5/12/2005 4:40 AM  
Blogger Jojo said...

Is this for real? Is this really the Pope's blog? If so I have to say I am astonished. I cannot believe that the Pope, who is supposed to be in the industry of "consulting" (according to your profile) treats someone who is abusing alcohol so nonchalant. You think it's ok for someone to drink excessively as long as he keeps it to holidays and special occasions. I really cannot believe what I'm reading. This must be a joke.

5/13/2005 3:10 PM  
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12/25/2005 6:59 PM  

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