Interview with Joseph Ratzinger (excerpt)

April 4, 2005

Vatican H.R. Department:
Hello, Cardinal Ratzinger. Please take a seat.

Ratzinger:
Where are the Cardinals?

Vatican H.R. Department:
We’ll, I work in HR for the Vatican and I’m sort of the first step in the interviewing process. You probably didn’t expect a woman to be interviewing you.

Ratzinger:
We’ll I have no problem with women. I wouldn’t marry one, but women are wonderful. I wish them well in whatever career path they take—except for Pope. You can’t have a woman for Pope, but I imagine they could do most any other job. Oh, and they can’t be a Cardinal either, but other than that they could do most anything.

I think feminism is a great movement. I didn’t like the bra burning, though.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Can I get you anything to drink before we start?

Ratzinger:
I’ve had enough holy water this morning. (giggling) Or was that the Communion wine? I’m just kidding. I don’t like the wine we have here. I prefer Pinot.

Vatican H.R. Department:
You seem to be trembling, are you okay?

Ratzinger:
Just nervous. I’m not shaking because I’m old if that’s what you’re getting … and I assume you’re just interviewing me for political reasons. You’re probably looking to hire a younger Pope—much like John Paul. Well, let me tell you something, ageism is wrong. We ought not to judge people based on their age, but rather their ability. You can quote me on that.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Okay, well let’s begin.
Explain your view on Communion?

Ratzinger:
You better use the best wine available. As you know, I prefer Pinot. I’m also not a big fan of bread. I’m on this low-carb diet. I prefer wheat tortillas.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Tell me about a Mass that really had an impact on your life?

Ratzinger:
When I was 16, I got this terrible cyst on the back of my neck. People made fun of me and it was very painful. We shouldn’t judge people based on their appearances. Michael Jackson does look a little odd, though.

Vatican H.R. Department:
Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Ratzinger:
I’d like to still be living, if that’s what you’re asking.

Vatican H.R. Department:
No, I meant, where do you see yourself in the future?

Ratzinger:
Well, if I am living in 5 years, I suppose I’d like to be traveling the world.

I would also like to travel space, if that’s possible. I’ve heard that space travel is not too far off, right? I mean for non-astronauts.

Traveling space would be interesting, I think. I’m sure there’s never been a Pope in space--well, I mean, while alive. I’m sure once someone is dead--especially a Pope--their soul can go anywhere. Well, not anywhere. But, probably most places.

As a soul, I wouldn’t travel to Antartica for instance. Nothing to do there. It would be quite boring there, I’d imagine. The polar bears would be nice to look at though.

Although, there is a lot of time in eternity so maybe a visit to Antartica might be a nice at some point. A break between my vacations in the Hamptons. I doubt Antartica would be cold. A soul—as I understand it—has no physical form and thus no physical feeling.

So, I guess if I were dead in 5 years, I would be traveling space. If I’m still alive in 5 years, then I hope I could travel space, too (at a reasonable rate). I’m talking about cost—not speed.

Next question.