Ask the Pope

Project Runway

2006-08-31T17:54:00.000+02:00

I typically don’t like reality shows, but I’m severely addicted to watching Project Runway. It’s my little escape.

When you’re trying to solve world hunger all day, you need to take a break sometimes and look at what’s happening in the fashion industry. It’s my natural anti-depressant.

Anyway, I missed the show yesterday due to a late night mass.

I wasn’t too worried about finding out what happened because I have TIVO.

Well, my assistant just spoiled the ending by telling me who got kicked off. He just came into my office ranting about last night’s results. I didn’t even have a chance to stop him.

I’m pretty upset right now.

Waiting for Gouda

2006-08-29T23:49:00.000+02:00

There’s nothing more upsetting than opening up a good bottle of merlot and realizing you don’t have any good cheese to enjoy it with.

I had a bit of brie in my fridge, but I was really in the mood for some smoked gouda.

I thought, by chance, my servant might have accidentally put the gouda in my fruit bin by accident, so I got on my knees and shuffled through the bottom of my fridge. I searched all over the place, but couldn’t find anything acceptable.

It was during that mad moment of searching for smoked gouda when I realized what people addicted to drugs must feel like. You not only want the drug (or gouda), but you’ll do anything to get it.

I said a short prayer to quell my hungry mind, and decided the humble route would be to just eat the brie.

Such is the life of the humble.

Divinely Handsome

2006-08-23T13:52:00.000+02:00

I really don’t like biased journalism. It gets me very upset whenever I read news that is slanted toward a certain opinion, instead of just reporting the facts.

I read an article today entitled “God’s gift to women.” And I have to say that I started to blush because I thought the article was either about me or Brad Pitt.

Anyway, the article isn’t about us—it’s instead about my personal assistant, Georg. The article says “he has been compared to George Clooney and Hugh Grant.” And it even refers to him as being “divinely handsome.”

I’m sorry, but how come nobody interviewed me for this article? He’s not all that handsome. I’ve seen him in the spa with just a towel on--and trust me--he’s just a 7 out of 10.

Okay, maybe an 8.

But divinely handsome? Please.

Where have you been?

2006-08-23T13:20:00.000+02:00

So I’m at a breakfast today, and Georg tells me that I ought to explain why I haven’t been blogging. He says my readers will get upset if I don’t tell them what I’ve been up to.

And he tells me this right after I put a forkful of eggs in my mouth. And no, it wasn’t eggs benedict.

So I’m sitting there chewing, wishing I could respond immediately, but I have to wait and swallow first. So after a couple seconds, I tell him:

“Look, I’ve been trying to save the world from poverty for the last few months. Oh, and I’m also trying to stop a little holy war from happening. Yeah, just trying to stop wars and ease the suffering of people around the world. I wonder if my readers will be satisfied with that answer.

He then says that I shouldn’t get so upset about it. He was just trying to offer a suggestion.

I said, “How about this for a suggestion, instead of playing tennis in your Nike shorts all day, why don’t you pass me the butter. My toast is getting cold now.”

It’s hard out there for a Pope

2006-03-15T00:05:00.000+01:00

Between juggling my speaking engagements, mass services, visits with world leaders, writing a new catechism, and saving souls from purgatory, I’m pretty worn out.

My doctor recently prescribed me Xanex to calm my nerves.

While picking up my prescription, the pharmacist said “I hope you have a good day.”

I wasn’t sure if she said that in the generic “have a good day” way, or if she meant it in the “hope the anxiety medicine works for you” type of way.

St. Valentine

2006-02-14T07:40:00.000+01:00

St. Valentine
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

People ask me if I get depressed on Valentine’s Day. They think that just because I don’t have a wife that I must be depressed.

Well, being single doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t need a woman to make me feel loved. I’m loved all over the world.

I’ve thought about getting married in the past, but now I shudder at the thought. I can’t deal with a nagging wife.

Imagine that I have to go to Africa to perform a miracle and save someone from death. But then my wife gets upset that I’m leaving on a business trip again.

Do you think I’m going to let someone die because my wife wants me at home?

I don’t think so. I’d probably end up slamming the front door and telling her that we’ll talk about it when I get home.

This, no doubt, will get her upset and she’ll make some sly comment about how everyone thinks that I’m so holy, but I’m really an unloving husband.

That type of comment will get me really upset.

At that point, I’ll probably tell her that if she says a word of this to anyone I’ll excommunicate her and make sure she stays in purgatory for a very long time.

And that’s not a kind of home life I want. I prefer living the life of a bachelor.

20-Minutes with Laura Bush

2006-02-08T21:45:00.000+01:00

I have a 20-minute meeting scheduled with Laura Bush tomorrow. She requested to meet with me because she loves my new book. I try to meet with my fans whenever I get a chance, but it gets tough with my hectic schedule.

She was a bit disappointed that I could only meet with her for twenty minutes, but that’s the way it must be. I’m a busy Pope. I have souls to pray for so they can get out of purgatory.

I'm Upset with My Swiss Army

2006-01-23T20:37:00.000+01:00

I’ve never had a reason to get upset with my Swiss Army until this morning, after I read a quote from one of my colonels:

“Protecting Benedict XVI is easier than protecting his globetrotting predecessor Jean-Paul II,” Col Elmar Maeder said yesterday. "Benedict doesn't move about much and when he does it's usually inside the Vatican City, an area that we know inside out," he said.

Excuse me? I’m easier to protect because I don’t “move about much.” I move around plenty. Just because I don’t travel around the world for publicity like Jean-Paul II doesn’t mean I’m easy.

I feel totally humiliated right now.

It’s especially depressing because my army dresses like circus performers. They can’t run very quickly in their uniforms and they wouldn’t be able to do much with their spears and swords anyway.

Holy Sweat

2006-01-21T01:15:00.000+01:00

holy sweat
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

If you think holy water is valuable, think about papal sweat.

I wonder how much my handkerchief would be worth on eBay.

Lord of the Rings

2006-01-13T05:20:00.000+01:00

model castles bore me
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

I sent an email to Peter Jackson several months ago to tell him about my love of his "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

He invited me to visit New Zealand to check out some of the locations where he shot the movie. Needless to say, I was very excited.

When I arrived, he gave me a tour of his special effects studio, where they shot many of the pivotal scenes.

Well, it turns out that the whole movie is a sham. They didn’t actually film anything in real castles. They used model castles instead. This was very disappointing news.

Apparently most people know this, but I had no clue. I’m not very hip on movie special effects.

All Eyez on Me

2006-01-07T06:48:00.000+01:00

dark circles around my eyes
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

Things have been extremely busy for me this New Year.

I’ve had dozens of speaking engagements, book tour events, communion services, and photo shoots. It’s been exhausting.

The worst part is that my complexion is beginning to suffer. The dark circles around my eyes are getting worse. I’ve started using a concealer, but it doesn’t seem to be working.

One of my Cardinals suggested that I rub almond oil and mint leaves over the dark circles. Another Cardinal told me to massage powdered Vitamin E around my eyes.

I really need to start taking better care of myself.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T17:23:00.000+01:00

I'm sitting at home watching all these entertainment news show talking about the best of 2005. They're talking about Jessica Simpson, Johnny Carson, etc... but nobody has mentioned me yet.

I thought for sure that I'd get some sort of mention. It's just a little disappointing.

Choir Music

2005-12-31T17:28:00.000+01:00

I’m getting a little tired of listening to choir music. There’s only so much a Pope can take.

I appreciate their efforts, but I’m beginning to abhor choirs, especially when they sing: “Tu es Petrus.”

It reminds me of when that Counting Crows song, “Mr. Jones” was released. It’s a great song, but the radio played it over and over again to the point that I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Too much of a good thing . . .

About Last Night . . .

2005-12-25T18:06:00.000+01:00

Christmas Eve Robe
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

The Christmas Eve service went well last night.

I was a little hesitant to wear this yellow-gold robe, but it's what they all wanted me to wear. The robe doesn't fit right, and made me look a bit bloated.

I felt like a twinkie.

Fashion is Next to Godliness

2005-12-24T16:59:00.000+01:00

The media loves talking about my Gucci sunglasses and Prada shoes. They think that if you’re old and holy, you shouldn’t wear name-brand clothes.

Well, forgive me for being fashionable. It’s not like I dress outrageously—like Bjork. There’s no sin in being fashionable. In fact, one could argue that it’s a ghastly sin to be unfashionable.

Anyway, I was a little upset this afternoon when I received an email from one of my agents. The article talks about my fashion and then states:

“The 78-year-old Benedict lacks John Paul’s natural charisma, and the trappings of Vatican splendor may be a way to compensate.”

Excuse me? I exhibit “Vatican splendor” to compensate for my lack of charisma? Are you kidding?

I’m not even sure how to begin to respond . . .

First, I love how the article has to refer back to my age. Yes, I’m 78—get over it. How many 78-year olds do you know that wear Gucci and Prada? And I’m talking about non-gay guys.

Second, I’ve only been Pope for 8-months. John Paul II had charisma, but he was Pope for nearly 27-years. Give me a little time. I’ll show you charisma.

Third, I don’t need my fashion to compensate for anything. I like to wear clothes that make me feel good. Enough about it.

I’m sorry for venting, but I’m just hurt. I guess I need to get used to all this negative criticism.

The only redemptive part of the article is that writer made mention about my “sporty around-the-ankle” hem:

During Benedict’s first public appearances, his cassock was way above the ankle, revealing white socks and bright red footwear. The hem was soon lowered a few inches, although he still prefers a sporty around-the-ankle look instead of having the cassock draped over the shoes.

Yes, I do prefer the sporty look. It’s nice to know someone noticed my sporty hemline. My tailor will be pleased. Check out the pic:

Only God Can Judge Me

2005-12-23T15:11:00.000+01:00

pope just sitting
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

Tupac eloquently penned: "Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix cause the media is full of dirty tricks. Only God can judge me."

It's sort of been my morning mantra with all the terrible press I've been getting lately.

Have you seen the USA TODAY article about me? It's about how Catholics are still forming their impressions about me.

It quotes this depraved woman, Karla McCarthy, who says: "I like Pope John Paul better, but we'll see. I don't know him that well."

The article also shows this daft picture of me on a chair twiddling my thumbs.

I'm really upset right now. I need a bath.

And Karla better not come praying to me when she's in purgatory.

Ho, Ho, Ho

2005-12-22T04:16:00.000+01:00

santa pope
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

It's not exactly my best picture, but it's the one my publicist sent out. He said that it makes me look young and merry.

Merry Christmas, My Peeps!

2005-12-22T04:02:00.000+01:00

As you can imagine, I've been pretty busy buying gifts for all my cardinals. I'm buying mostly gift certificates. Any other gift ideas for them?

My office is getting loaded up with cheap gift baskets filled with random food products (which require no refrigeration). I'm a little scared to eat the cube of "cheese flavor."

Do animals go to heaven?

2005-12-09T20:07:00.000+01:00

St. Francis believed animals could go to heaven. In my opinion, I’d rather not see animals in heaven. I mean, imagine if every animal that died ended up in heaven. It would be an absolute mess up there.

How do expect to have eternal peace when you have dinosaurs and screaming monkeys roaming around? It’s called “heaven” for a reason—not a jungle.

I suppose if the animals were kept in cages—like a zoo—then things would work out up there. But I know there are some people who don’t like zoos because they feel it jails animals. I imagine those people would spend time protesting in heaven, which would get annoying after a while. So, if the zoo only kept bad animals in their cages then it could be like a prison and a zoo at the same time. That would probably appease the protestors.

But the minute you start having prisons for animals in heaven, then you need some sort of criminal court up there, and lawyers defending the animals, and a jury. It just all becomes very complicated.

So, no, I refuse to believe animals are in heaven.

A penny for your thoughts

2005-12-08T17:22:00.000+01:00

The papal mint is beginning to sell special edition coins with my face. I was a little worried that nobody would buy them, but my public relations team seems pretty confident. Even though the coin is only worth 20 euros, we’ll be selling them for 160 euros. Not a bad mark up.

I can’t tell you how much this coin is really boosting my self-esteem. It makes me feel loved and appreciated.

I was thinking about all the great people in history that have had coins made for them. Do you know who appears on the United States penny? It’s President Lincoln. He was a great man, but he only got the penny. I’m a newly appointed Pope and my coin is already worth 160 euros. I guess that should mean something.

The only part that bothers me is that I’m not really pleased with the way my face looks on the coin. The coin makes me look a lot older, and it sort of exaggerates my weak chin. I guess that’s one of the drawbacks of being on a coin.

Words of Wisdom

2005-12-07T20:26:00.000+01:00

In Spring 2006, Starbucks is releasing a coffee mug series with “words of wisdom” from various philosophers, writers, artists, scientists, and activists.

I’m a little insulted that they haven’t asked me to contribute something. I have so much wisdom to give this world and the Starbucks mug is a way for me to take my message to the streets.

I suppose they haven’t asked me because they are afraid my message might be too religious or too political. They are probably afraid I might scare away the Starbucks crowd with my cutting-edge remarks.

Well, the truth hurts and I think my controversial quotes would spark some interesting debates. Here are some quotes I’d like to submit:

“Clubbing seals is a sin—and so is clubbing with Paris Hilton.”

“Kill the whales. We can boil the blubber to get oil.”

“T.G.I.F. by not eating meat.”

2005-12-06T23:42:00.000+01:00

On Monday, I received a gift from the Italian carmaker Ferrari. I must admit that I was pretty excited when I found out they were going to give me something. But, it wasn’t what I had in mind. Instead of a new car, they gave me a steering wheel.

I’m sure the average NASCAR fan would adore such a gift, but I’m not a NASCAR kind of guy. I would have preferred a gift certificate for a free facial and massage.

Sorry I Missed the Concert . . .

2005-12-04T18:31:00.000+01:00

I’ve upset a group of singers for not attending their Christmas concert in the Vatican. They think that just because Pope John Paul II used to attend their show, that I’m supposed to attend—as if I have nothing else to do.

Here’s my apology letter:

Dear Singers,

I’m sorry for not attending your Christmas concert. I know how excited you were to meet me, but I just couldn’t make it.

Instead of sitting around at your concert, I thought it was more important to work on world peace. Don’t get me wrong, I do love music—but somehow I think world peace is more important.

And don’t tell the media how John Paul II always tried to attend your concert. He specifically told me what a bore your concert was. He started sending in the videos of himself because he was tired of attending.

Sincerely,

PB

Praying for the Bruins

2005-12-03T18:18:00.000+01:00

I'm pretty excited about the UCLA - USC game. I'm giving my blessing to the Bruins.

Day Old Bagels

2005-12-03T01:50:00.000+01:00

Somebody brought in some day old bagels to the office today. The darn things were rock solid. I said a prayer and hoped that it might miraculously get soft, but it didn’t. I ended up sticking it in the microwave for 45 seconds so that I could at least cut through it.

It tasted terrible.

2005-12-01T05:52:00.000+01:00

I need a manicure really bad right now. A pedicure couldn’t hurt either.

Concerning Limbo

2005-11-30T03:34:00.000+01:00

The Church has long taught that infants dying prior to baptism go to limbo: a place that is neither heaven nor hell. I’ve been asked to update this doctrine and enlighten others on its meaning.

“Limbo” is a somewhat antiquated term, and difficult to comprehend. Let me try and explain this spiritual concept in earthly terms: if the beaches in Hawaii are considered heaven, and the deserts of Libya are considered hell, then limbo is a place like Liechtenstein.

Nobody knows much about Liechtenstein (or Limbo), but we know that it’s located somewhere in Europe. We also know that once people go there, they can’t get out. This is just like Limbo--except with spiritual babies floating around.

Since I’ve been asked to update this doctrine, I’ve decided that Limbo will now include—not only infants that die before baptism—but also all the musicians that only had one hit song (e.g. Frank Stallone, Soft Cell, and Sir Mix-A-Lot). Since a one hit song doesn’t merit heaven, it certainly doesn’t merit hell either. I figure Limbo is the proper place for them.

I will make an exception for Devo. Those guys are going to heaven.

Nihil Declaro

2005-11-28T23:37:00.000+01:00

Pope Benedict XVI Latin
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

I felt a little embarrassed today when I met with the members of the Latinitas Foundation (a group that encourages the education of Latin). For some reason, I thought I was meeting with a group of small Latin American women.

I had prepared a speech to talk about my work on encouraging women’s rights around the world—especially in Latin American countries. I was also going to give an inspirational talk about the benefits of being short.

For example, there are many rides at Disneyland that the average adult can’t ride because of their height. In many ways, people of average height are discriminated—so there are many benefits of being short.

This whole day is just one big embarrassment for me. And I had my mind set on some carnitas tacos.

Meeting John Voight

2005-11-25T21:33:00.000+01:00

Meeting John Voight
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

I felt a little uncomfortable with the way John Voight shook my hand at a recent movie premier. It was one of those handshakes that lasted a little too long. His smile made me feel a bit awkward too.

I kindly smiled and then gave a wink to my publicist. My publicist was able to break us up and get me into my Escalade within minutes. I can’t emphasize how important a good publicist is.

New Business Cards

2005-11-22T22:49:00.000+01:00

I'm getting some new business cares printed up. I'm not sure what title to list under my name. There are so many options: Your Holiness, Pope of the World, Pope & Chief Executive Officer, Big Pappa.

It's so hard to choose.

The Vatican Lunch Truck

2005-11-18T17:54:00.000+01:00

I was starving this morning because I didn’t eat breakfast. So, when the lunch truck arrived at the Vatican at 11 a.m., I quickly ran outside to order an egg and chorizo burrito. I usually send out my assistant to get my food, but I was starving.

The lunch truck has a giant horn that plays the same tune as the car from the Dukes of Hazzard. I’ve always thought that song was kind of annoying, but this morning it was a song I was desperate to hear.

I can’t even begin to tell you how beautiful that song was to me this morning. It was almost like a group of angels were using trumpets to announce some glorious news from heaven. My stomach is so happy right now.

BBC Radio

2005-11-18T03:06:00.000+01:00

I was interviewed on a BBC radio show recently and the following is a transcript of our conversation.

BBC RADIO:
It’s an honour to meet with you today.

POPE:
My pleasure.

BBC RADIO:
What do you consider to be your greatest virtue?

POPE:
That’s a good question. I suppose if I was forced to choose one virtue, aside from my love of all people and the fact that I visit children in hospitals, I guess I would have to say it is my humility.

Most people couldn’t stay humble if they were in my shoes--and most couldn’t anyway because mine are Prada.

BBC RADIO:
Why is humility difficult for a person in your position?

POPE:
Imagine how difficult it would be to stay humble even though you have everything. Not everyone could do it. I guess that’s why I’m Pope.

BBC RADIO:
We sometimes ask our guests how they want to be remembered. What do you want written on your gravestone to sort of sum up your life?

POPE:
That’s a tough one, but I guess something like “The Humblest Man (besides Christ) Who Ever Lived or Ever Will Live.”

Actually, I don’t want a gravestone—I’d rather have a tomb if possible. Something like a monument so that it will be sort of exciting to look at. Because I imagine when I die many people will want to visit my burial ground, so I’d like to at least give them something interesting to look at.

Possibly a monument with a giant television screen that would replay my various speeches or something. And there should be ample space for people to leave candles and flowers—if they would like.

We might even want to have a cart or something with someone selling Vatican approved flowers so that people could buy flowers if they forgot to bring some. And I’m not saying they should bring flowers—but in case they forgot, we should have some available. And the profits could be sent to a charity. So everyone wins.

It would be nice to have a petition going on there too.

BBC RADIO:
What sort of petition?

POPE:
You know, something to get my beatification process going. I’d like to become a Saint as soon as possible after I die.

It would be kind of embarrassing to be in heaven with all these saints and I’m just waiting around for my sainthood. I’m sure they would tease me about it too. I can see St. Paul and St. Francis joking about it with me. It would be funny at first, but I’m sure it would get annoying eventually. I wouldn’t want to resort to making jokes about St. Francis and his conversations with birds.

Shock Treatment

2005-11-15T19:28:00.000+01:00

I keep getting shocked today. My robes are rubbing against the carpet and causing too much static. It’s really annoying.

My Soap Dilemma

2005-11-11T03:05:00.000+01:00

At what point should I throw away my bar of soap? I use the soap until it becomes this thin potato chip like thing--but then it's practically impossible to use.

I try and blend it in with a new bar of soap, but it never works. It just ends up slipping out of my hands.

One of my Cardinals told me that I should switch to liquid soap, but it doesn't make me feel as masculine.

Concerning Music

2005-11-10T03:01:00.000+01:00

I've received several emails from people asking about my favorite musicians and music groups. I'm sure most people think that I just listen to Gregorian chants all day, but they are terribly wrong.

I'm a man of the people, so I enjoy listening to world music. I love the way different ethnicities have developed their own sounds. I find world music to be very relaxing.

One song that I particularly enjoy is "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito (off the Karate Kid Soundtrack). It's a song that inspires me and helps me keep my cool. You can't have a bad day when you wake up listening to that song.

I Dumped My Tailor

2005-11-06T16:45:00.000+01:00

I’ve been getting hassled lately for my choice of stylish clothing. My tailor and I had our differences and we needed to part ways. I like Prada shoes and he happens to think a Pope should wear something more traditional.

Is it wrong for me to enjoy wearing Prada shoes and designer sunglasses?

It’s not like I pay for my clothes. I’m sponsored.

The Slow Eater

2005-11-05T23:59:00.000+01:00

Last night, I spent almost two hours in a dinner meeting because there was one Cardinal in my group that eats very, very slowly. The guy seriously chewed his food about forty times before swallowing. At one point, I even started counting his chews because I was so bored.

Throughout the meeting, I kept looking at his partially eaten 7oz filet mignon—and then at him. I was hoping he would get a hint. He obviously didn’t. I finished my meal a good 45 minutes before he was finished—and his chewing was driving me crazy.

I need to find a good excuse to leave dinner early.

My Portrait is on Sale!

2005-11-02T16:53:00.000+01:00

my portrait
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

I just learned that my portrait hasn’t been selling well. This is very disappointing.

What's wrong with it? Is it my smile? Is it the way the picture is cropped? Do you think I need to lose some more weight? Should my hands be in a different position?

To hopefully increase sales, Ignatius Press decided to put my picture on sale for $42.45.

If we don't get some more sales out of this, I'm going to be deeply hurt. I feel very insulted right now.

2005-11-01T19:07:00.000+01:00

I’ve been suffering from vertigo lately, so my doctor gave me some medicine to help me feel more stable. He also recommended that I hold off on drinking communion wine for a while. I told him that would be impossible because drinking wine is part of my job.

To appease him, I told him that I'd only take a small sip of wine during communion-—instead of my typical gulp.

Me and Anthony

2005-10-27T16:20:00.000+02:00

Me and Anthony
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

Someone told me that I look like Anthony Hopkins--which I consider to be a huge compliment.

I hate being referred to as "The Emperor" or "The Hobbit."

Sleeping at My Desk

2005-10-25T23:58:00.000+02:00

I fell asleep at my desk today. I was up late last night writing a speech, so I was very tired this morning. I don’t make it a habit to sleep at my desk during the day, but I do on occasion.

One of the benefits about being Pope is that when I’m sleeping at my desk, people presume that I’m in serious prayer—so nobody bothers me.

I just worry about snoring and drooling because that would seem a little odd.

Accused of Not Washing My Hands

2005-10-24T22:46:00.000+02:00

A Cardinal accused me of not washing my hands in the restroom today. I was so insulted. I always wash my hands. In fact, I even refuse to touch the door when leaving the restroom. I push the door open with my knee instead. This has caused some dirty marks on my white robe, but my dry cleaners always get the stains out.

2005-10-22T20:48:00.000+02:00

I woke up with terrible back pain this morning. Today is not a good day to seek forgiveness from me.

Another John Paul Movie

2005-10-21T17:48:00.000+02:00

As you know, I wasn’t happy about the Pope John Paul movie on the Hallmark Channel, so I’m not really thrilled about the upcoming CBS miniseries either.

I’ve agreed to attend the preview because my agent thinks it will be a good for publicity. I need as much love as I can get right now--especially with all the lawsuits going on.

This show better be good. A four-hour mini series could easily put me to sleep. I sure hope it’s not like the televised version of Brideshead Revisited. That series almost caused me to leave the priesthood entirely and start drinking heavily.

If Pope John Paul can only get a miniseries and a cheap movie on the Hallmark Channel, I’m destined for a brief segment on 60 Minutes (narrated by some unknown journalist who is filling in that day).

Phone Line to God

2005-10-20T03:00:00.000+02:00

Some children think that I have a direct phone line to God. They imagine a red phone similar to the bat phone used by the Gotham City Police Chief.

Well, no such phone exists. Besides, even if such a phone did exist, could you imagine the phone bill? I’m sure it would be tax deductible phone call, but still.

Concerning Sneezing

2005-10-14T16:18:00.000+02:00

One of the Cardinals in my office has a severe cold. I told him to go home, but he insists on working. He sits in the office next to me, and I can hear practically everything he does--which mostly includes playing snood.

Anyway, he sneezed about 10 times in a row this morning. I managed to say "Bless You" after the first three sneezes, but then it just started getting ridiculous. I told him that three blessings is the limit.

Later this afternoon, a group of us were in a meeting room and he sneezed again. All the other Cardinals said "Bless You" except me. They all looked at me in shock. I told them that I already blessed him three times in the morning.

They weren't very happy with my answer.

Pope TV

2005-10-13T18:51:00.000+02:00

With the announcement of the new video ipod, I'm thinking this will be a great way for people to download my weekly speeches and see me in action. I just need to decide on a price. Television show dowloads cost $1.99 per episdode, but what could I charge? I'm not offering cheap entertainment, I'm offering blessings. I think I could charge at least $5.00 per speech and $10.00 per mass. I could also offer a short weekly blessing for $1.00. I need to talk with my agent.

Trials & Tribulations

2005-10-11T08:11:00.000+02:00

I spent an hour last night trying to put on my new duvet cover. I consider myself to be a pretty patient person, but this duvet cover has pushed me to my limit. I felt totally incompetent, just like the last time I couldn’t remove the lid off a pickle jar.

My New Ride

2005-10-07T06:12:00.000+02:00

My new BMW X5 SUV is pretty sweet. Terrible gas mileage, but it's free. It would be a terrible offense not to accept it. Besides, I need to look good when I'm cruising the streets of Rome.

2005-10-06T18:14:00.000+02:00

I can’t believe the Vatican Office Manager forgot to order more Kona coffee. I’m stuck drinking Yuban again.

2005-10-05T22:18:00.000+02:00

I need to get a new gown. This darn thing is so annoying.

Donate to the Red Cross

2005-09-02T05:16:00.000+02:00

As you know, this blog has been a fun forum for me to ramble about the mundane parts of my life.

Well, this is my first serious blog. Right now, I ask everyone to please donate some time, blood, and/or money to the Red Cross. Please pray for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Thank you!

Book Signing

2005-08-26T16:06:00.000+02:00

My agent thought it would be a good idea for me to have a book signing at a local bookstore. You know I hate those types of events, but he convinced me it would help me gain some more publicity for my new book. So I grudgingly agreed to do it.

You should have seen the line. There must have been several thousand people waiting for my autograph. Fortunately, I didn’t have to sign any of the books. I had my assistants sign them for me ahead of time. I just sat at the table and passed them out.

I can’t believe how hard it is to pass out books for three hours. My arms were so sore that I had to have my massage therapist give me a deep muscle massage right after the event. I was exhausted.

At one point, one of my assistants came and whispered in my ear that there was a young crippled boy in the back of the line who seemed to be struggling on his crutches. My assistant suggested that we let him cut to the front of the line.

The novice Pope might have allowed the crippled boy to the front, but that would have been a terribly unjust act. I can’t let every crippled person simply cut to the front of the line.

Besides, anyone can grab crutches and pretend to be crippled. It’s too easy to fake.

Sexual Harassment Meeting

2005-08-25T03:40:00.000+02:00

All Vatican employees had to attend a two-hour sexual harassment meeting yesterday. Everyone was forced to watch a series of videos and then read and sign a contract that says we attended.

At one point, I tried to sneak out--claiming Papal infallibility--but that didn’t seem to work.

I then mentioned that I needed to pray so that I could release some souls from purgatory. That didn’t work either. The H.R. Department said the souls could wait two more hours while I watched the videos.

I then mentioned the three bean burritos that I had just eaten for lunch--and that quickly got me excused.

Prayer & Meditation

2005-08-21T19:29:00.000+02:00

With my stressful schedule in Germany, I’ve been trying to meditate as much as possible. I find that prayer, meditation, and fasting help me cope with my anxiety attacks. My Xanax prescription helps a bit too.

The Confessional Booth

2005-08-19T08:03:00.000+02:00

Whenever I feel depressed, I get inside the confessional booth and listen to people tell me their sins. It’s amazing how therapeutic the confessional booth can be. Listening to other people’s secret sins is like watching the Jerry Springer show and realizing that your life really isn’t that terrible.

2005-08-16T17:17:00.000+02:00

I don't know what it is about those flamin‚ hot cheetos.
I can't get enough of them.

Concerning Marriage

2005-08-14T17:58:00.000+02:00

Since I’ve launched this blog, I’ve received several marriage proposals by email. I appreciate their interest in me, but I have to tell them that I can’t get married for Biblical reasons.

Besides, you’d never want to confess your sins to a jilted Pope. It’s bad enough to confess your sins to me when I have indigestion. I’m liable to excommunicate you.

The Pope John Paul Movie

2005-08-12T03:37:00.000+02:00

The Hallmark channel will feature a film about the life of Pope John Paul. It’s going to be premiering on Monday night, so if you’re one of the ten people that actually watch the Hallmark channel, you’re in for a real treat.

As you can imagine, I’m pretty upset about this broadcast. Why did it have to premier on the Hallmark channel? Nobody even watches that channel. It’s the only cable channel that dares list Walker Texas Ranger, Matlock, and Dr. Quinn Medicine woman on its weekly programming lineup. I’d rather be watching CSPAN.

To be totally honest, I’m mostly upset because this premier doesn’t give me much hope. If J.P. can only get a Monday night movie on the Hallmark Channel, what am I going to get? At this rate, I’ll be lucky to even get a direct-to-video distribution deal.

You can’t imagine what this is doing to my self-confidence right now.

Office Printer Broke

2005-08-03T20:24:00.000+02:00

My office printer broke again. This is the third time in the last four weeks. The Canon guy keeps coming over to fix it, but I keep getting a paper jam.

How am I supposed to write divinely inspired letters when the printer doesn’t work?

It’s ridiculous.

St. Paul had it so easy. He didn’t have to deal with broken printers or Microsoft Word telling him to rewrite his fragments.

2005-08-03T01:30:00.000+02:00

My nails grow extremely quickly, so I have to get manicures on a weekly basis. Some people might think it’s a bit lavish to get manicures so often, but they don’t understand my job. I give people communion on a regular basis. My hands must look clean. Nobody wants to take communion from a guy with dirty cuticles.

2005-08-02T19:39:00.000+02:00

One of the benefits of wearing white is that it hides my dandruff. My head has been really itchy lately.

Keep Your Pope Hand Strong

2005-07-29T17:18:00.000+02:00

Things have been pretty stressful in the office. I have to deal with a certain employee who doesn’t like my management style. I’m going to bring him into my office today and talk with him.

If he doesn’t improve his attitude, I’m going to have to slap him with my pope hand. He needs to know that if anyone disrespects me, he or she will get the pope hand.

Not only do I have a strong pope hand, but the rings on my fingers probably add a good sting too.

Shampoo

2005-07-28T20:57:00.000+02:00

I’m starting to experiment with scented shampoos. I have a shampoo that smells like lavender and another one that smells like a mango/peach smoothie. I actually got a compliment the other day that my hair smells good.

Smelling good has totally boosted my self-confidence. I’m one of the most powerful people in the world and now my hair smells really good. You can’t beat that.

Random Blood Tests

2005-07-26T18:32:00.000+02:00

The HR Director wants to start implementing random blood tests throughout the year. This is fine for all my employees, but I don’t think it should apply to me. I have supernatural blood, and it could be very dangerous in the wrong hands.

One drop of my blood could lengthen the life of a man by fifty years. Think what would happen if Yanni or Michael Bolton got a hold of it. Think about how many more albums they could produce.

This would be a crime against humanity.

Award Winning Scripts

2005-07-26T18:11:00.000+02:00

The Creative Artist Agency hired me to punch up some of their feature film scripts. Most of the scripts are pretty terrible. I’m constantly rewriting the dialogue.

Sometimes I’ll get some of my script ideas by talking with people during communion. For instance, when I was rewriting Sideways for Alexander Payne, I was asking people what they thought the communion wine tasted like.

This one lady told me she thought the wine tasted like “a nutty Edam cheese.” I loved that response, so I tossed it into the script.

Later that night, I realized that the nutty Edam cheese smell wasn’t in the wine. It was a cheese spread that somehow dried up in my sleeve. She must have got a whiff of it when I was passing the cup to her.

I need to be more careful when taking grapes off the cheese tray.

Wear White

2005-07-24T18:23:00.000+02:00

white
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

Someone asked me why I like to wear white. It’s not because white is a symbol of purity or holiness, but because it’s a classy look. White suits will never go out of style. Think about Colonel Sanders or Boss Hogg. These are classy men that know how to dress.

My Papal Uniform

2005-07-22T18:43:00.000+02:00

garden pic
Originally uploaded by Joseph Ratzinger.

One of the main difficulties about being Pope (aside from dealing with world poverty) is the time it takes for me to undress just so that I can use the restroom. It’s freakin’ ridiculous.

I have to take off three layers of clothes, and then neatly hang everything up in my stall. The whole process takes about 5 minutes to undress and another 10 minutes to put the clothes back on properly.

This is especially troublesome for me since I have a small bladder.

Vatican Coffee Maker Broke

2005-07-21T18:21:00.000+02:00

Our office coffee maker broke this morning, and my employees are getting restless. I tried reading the catechism to them, but nothing would suffice. They want coffee, and they want it bad.

I never realized the evils of coffee. It rivals world hunger and Harry Potter.

This American Life

2005-07-21T17:31:00.000+02:00

I received a phone call from Ira Glass this week. His next episode for “This American Life” is going to be about writers and where they find their inspiration. He briefly interviewed me for the third act of the program, entitled: Write Now

Ira Glass:
Pope Benedict, you just finished writing another book of theology, which is due to be published by Ignatius Press in the next month. Congratulations.

Pope Joe:
Thank you.

Ira Glass:
Where do you find the time and inspiration to write with your hectic schedule?

Pope Joe:
Well, it helps that I’m divinely inspired. I also have insomnia, which keeps me up most nights. Insomnia seems to be my muse.

Ira Glass:
What author would you compare yourself to?

Pope Joe:
I suppose if I were forced to pick one author it would have to be Shakespeare. I think we both have an amazing ability to convey the human condition through words.

I think where we differ is that Shakespeare was limited to only writing great plays.

I’m a bit more . . . well-rounded than him. And I don’t mean my belt size, but rather my ability to cross over from playwriting, to novels, to poetry, to theological essays, to history, etc. Shakespeare was good at writing plays, and that’s what he felt comfortable writing. God bless him. But, he couldn’t cross over like I can.

I’m also much funnier than Shakespeare. He certainly had a quick wit, but he wasn’t trained in comedic timing like me. But don’t get me wrong, Shakespeare is good—he’s just not great.

But we need to forgive him, right? He wasn’t divinely inspired like me.

Ira Glass:
You mentioned that you’ve written plays. I’ve never seen any of your published plays.

Pope Joe:
Well, they haven’t been published yet. It’s amazing, but the minute you become Pope—suddenly every publisher wants you. I’ve written dozens of plays and they are due out for publication next year.

Ira Glass:
What types of plays have you written?

Pope Joe:
What haven’t I written? Well, I’m a huge fan of Jaws, so I started to convert the movie script into a Shakespearean play.

Ira Glass:
Really? This should be interesting. I had no idea. Would you mind reading some lines from your play?

Pope Joe:
You want me to give a teaser? Sure, here’s something that will get my people excited. This is taken from the part of Jaws movie when Quint is about to go into that long monologue about the Hiroshima bomb.

If you don’t mind, I brought some professional voice actors to do the reading.

Ira Glass:
Go right ahead. You’re the Pope.

JAWS

SCENE X. On a Ship at Sea

Enter HOOPER, BRODY and QUINT

Hooper
Thou hath boarded that illfated vessel
That we call the Indianapolis?

Brody
Hark, I pray thee to unbridle thy tongue
And teach us thy privy tale. Hide nothing,
For though we sit in this dampened chamber
Reclined in a drunken stupor, reciting
Sonnets about shore-worn maidens: which do
Arouse us with their lowly occupation,
I think it proper to hear this grave tale.
And bate not one word from thy famed story,
Hooking our minds with faithless words,
Making us cuckolds in thy reverie.

Let us to fanciful thoughts, which make Time
Stir round, turning idle minds to a stage:
Not made by hands, but formed from thy words
Inspiring those poor players that do
Sit in mine head to swirl about,
Even as that bedeviled shark doth swirl round
Beneath us, plotting tumultuous revenge.

Hooper
Yes, retell that tale for our kindred’s sake
Quell mine clouded memory with thy story.
For I shall raise this hearty mug in praise
Of thy name, making an Oath to retell
And sing it to all my posterity.

Tell me, good Quint, tell all, so that even
The mighty gods that do sit on that Great Mount
Do cry at thy speech--yea, even that wretched
Jupiter will sweat briny tears into
Poseidon’s salty sea.

Quint:
Prithee, Peace:

And lend thy ear to my story.

A vessel from the Orient hath slammed
Two spears into the side of our boat, chief.

Pope Joe:
Let’s stop it right there. I don’t want to spoil it. Besides I don’t give this stuff out for free. They need to buy my book.

Ira Glass:
Thank you for joining us today.

Pope Joe:
It’s my pleasure.

Bless You

2005-07-20T05:26:00.000+02:00

Some people spend their day fixing cars. Some people spend their day fixing computers. I spend my day blessing people. I know it might sound easy, but you have no idea what’s its like to bless thousands of people everyday.

Imagine raising your arms and spouting a liturgical chant every ten-minutes. Go on, try it for 10 hours and see how you like it. It can be quite tiring for someone my age. My throat gets dry, my arms begin to quiver, and I’ve started to get lower back pain.

And then imagine trying to stay enthusiastic. Every time I say a blessing, I’m supposed to pretend as if it’s the first time I’ve given that blessing. It’s like being an international rock star and having to play the same darn songs with passion night after night, year after year.

Then imagine the body odors I have to deal with. Some people have been traveling quite a distance to see me and have been sweating in the sun all day. By the time they get near me, they smell terrible. I have to smile and try to refrain from smelling while giving a blessing. This takes some practice.

And then imagine, after a day of blessing 7,000 people, you get back inside your white Escalade and your assistant forgot to stock it with cold water, wine and snacks.

You get on your cell phone to ask your assistant about the food, but all you get is voice mail. And then when your driver starts the car, he realizes that he forgot to fill up the tank with gas. And then when he drives to the gas station, another group of people approach my white Escalade and want a blessing.

So you give a blessing and get back in the car.

And then on the way back to the Vatican, you notice that the driver had pushed the recycled air button. After an hour of being in the car, you realize that you’ve been breathing in the same air as the hired driver. This is where I draw the line.

It's time for another vacation.

Hawaiian Shirt Day

2005-07-18T23:31:00.000+02:00

When I joined the Vatican several months ago, I implemented an “Employee Comment Box.” This is designed to give my employees a forum to anonymously tell me what they want changed or problems they want addressed.

Someone suggested that we implement a Hawaiian shirt day on Fridays.

I detest Hawaiian shirts. Even though Hawaiian shirts seem to hide my bulging stomach, I can never find a shirt that suits me well. My pasty white skin and flabby arms draw too much attention.

If you have any suggestions for me to improve the working conditions at the Vatican, feel free to comment here. If I like the suggestion, I’ll include it in my upcoming Vatican Employee Newsletter.

2005-07-18T06:31:00.000+02:00

I have a big speech to give tomorrow and I started getting a cold sore on my lip. This is not good. There’s only so much makeup can do.

Weighty Matters

2005-07-16T01:35:00.000+02:00

Yesterday, one of my Cardinals said that I was jolly.

At first I smiled, but then I looked at my waistline. I know he meant well, but why did he have to use the word “jolly.”

Jolly is a word that should only be applied Santa Clause and other big-boned white men that can laugh well. I don’t want to be known as the “jolly” Pope. I want to be known as the joyful Pope.

It bothers me that I have the miraculous ability to heal the sick, but I have no control over my metabolism. I wonder if any of the apostles had this problem.

I need to get on my Vatican Diet right away. When I die, I want my followers to create slim statues of me. At this rate, my statues will look more like Buddha.

Nose Hair

2005-07-15T06:21:00.000+02:00

There is a Cardinal that I work with on a regular basis that doesn’t trim his nose hair properly. There is always one hair that darts out like a weed around mid-afternoon.

I’d like to say something to him, but I’m not sure of the best way to broach the subject. I’ve prayed to Mary about this several times and have not received a revelation yet.

Shampoo Problems

2005-07-12T04:48:00.000+02:00

Forgive me for not blogging. I’ve been traveling around quite a bit and my laptop’s modem broke. I’m writing this blog right now inside my hotel's business center. The fluorescent lights in here hurt my eyes.

I need to vent. I’m a little upset about the little shampoo bottles inside my hotel’s bathroom. The darn little things aren’t squeezable. I have to stand there in the shower and wait for the shampoo to slowly drain out into my hand. It takes nearly two minutes.

I tried to speed up the process by sticking my pinky finger into the opening of the shampoo bottle, but my finger doesn’t fit. I have stubby little fingers.

It's like waiting for ketchup to come out and not having a French fry to stick in the neck of the bottle to unclog the hole.

Papal Imposter

2005-07-07T23:32:00.000+02:00

It seems an imposter has taken some of my blog ideas and passed it off as his own. I’m getting my team of lawyers on this.

Another clown stole my show idea and put it on a t-shirt.

Is nothing sacred?

Pen Problems

2005-07-07T19:41:00.000+02:00

My favorite pen doesn’t work anymore. I’ve tried shaking it. I’ve tried scribbling really hard on a piece of paper. Nothing seems to work.

I was hoping my miraculous powers might get my pen to work again. I guess not.

Step-Aerobics Class

2005-07-06T18:58:00.000+02:00

I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life yesterday.

When I was at the Vatican Health Spa last night, I thought I was joining a kick boxing class. Instead, I read the calendar wrong and found myself involved in a step-aerobics class.

I had no idea what I was doing. I thought about escaping, but I was too embarrassed to leave. I had to at least pretend that I intentionally joined this class—at least for a little while. I kept staring at the clock, praying the class would end quickly. God did not answer my prayer.

I fixed my eyes on the instructor and tried to keep up with him. This was quite difficult because: (a) I have no rhythm; (b) I’m not coordinated; (c) I couldn’t understand a word the instructor was saying; (d) the dance music was too loud; and (e) I have no rhythm.

(a) I have no rhythm
I might be able to sing Gregorian chants, but I have no rhythm. I can’t even clap to a song. This is a severe problem in a step class.

(b) I’m not coordinated
I’ve never been coordinated. It also doesn’t help that I have a giant white robe that trips me every time I try and step.

(c) I couldn’t understand a word the instructor was saying
My instructor was always out of breath and yelled out instructions in step jargon that apparently everyone else understood except me. I can speak almost 10 languages fluently, but I couldn’t understand one word of step-aerobics.

(d) The dance music was too loud
Step-aerobics uses an entirely new breed of music. It takes terrible pop song, speeds them up so the voices sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks, and then the songs are laced with a pumping drum sound. It made me want to commit suicide. I knew that Ashlee Simpson music was sinful, but the step-aerobic remix versions are just plain damnable. Producers of such music ought to be dragged into the center of Dante’s inferno.

(e) I have no rhythm

I will never, never, never, ever join a step class again.

Inside the Actor's Studio

2005-07-05T20:26:00.000+02:00

In an upcoming episode of “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” you’ll find me getting interviewed by James Lipton. I’m not an actor in the theatrical sense, but I am a public figure that must put on a smile and act happy most of the time. My agent also thought it might be a good idea to appear on the show to give people a glimpse into my personal life.

I’m not allowed to release the transcript of the entire show until after it airs on Bravo, but I am allowed to release my answers to his typical 10 last questions:

What is your favorite word?

Well, it’s actually two words: “Your Holiness.” I love it when people call me that.

What is your least favorite word?

Luther

What turns you on, excites you, inspires you - physically, creatively, spiritually?

Vending machines

What turns you off?

When vending machines refuse my wrinkled dollar bills.

What sound do you love?

I love listening to vending machines accepting my money. I also love listening to the metal coils as they turn to release my food.

What sound do you hate?

I hate the sound when the vending machine drops my food into the metal tray below. I’m afraid my food might get damaged during the fall.

What is your favorite curse word?

Luther

What profession, other than yours, would you like to try?

I guess if I had to choose another profession, than I’d probably want to be God. That is the next job above me, isn’t it? I guess it might be fun to be God for one day. I probably couldn’t just jump into the job right away. I’d probably need some training—even though I am the most qualified human on earth. I suppose I’d probably choose a Sabbath day as my first day on the job, so I wouldn’t have to do much.

What profession would you least like to try?

I’d hate to give people pedicures. I refuse to touch people’s dirty feet. Why can’t people just take care of their own feet? Why does someone have to clean another person’s toenails and scrape away their calluses? It grosses me out.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Well, it does exist. And when I do enter heaven—which is probably pretty soon—I imagine God would apologize to me for giving me dandruff, an oily complexion, and big pores.

Independence Day

2005-07-04T18:53:00.000+02:00

I want to wish everyone in the United States a Happy 4th of July. I’ve canonized hot dogs just for you. Grill them up for me today.

This Morning's Breakfast

2005-07-01T23:38:00.000+02:00

I forgot to set my alarm clock last night, so I was running late to mass this morning. I not only forgot to shave, but I didn’t eat a proper breakfast.

On the way out my door, I chugged down some orange juice and crammed a Hostess pink snowball down my mouth.

This is probably the worst breakfast I’ve ever eaten in my life.

Pink Snowballs and orange juice should never be joined together. It's like the marriage betweenWhitney and Bobby. It might have sounded good at the time, but it ended up to be a total disaster.

Spin Class

2005-06-30T19:07:00.000+02:00

I joined a Spin class at the Vatican Health Club. I’ve never sweat so much in my entire life.

My butt really hurts this morning. It’s hard to sit down.

Stage fright

2005-06-27T23:07:00.000+02:00

When I first became a Priest, I found it very difficult to talk in front of large groups of people. I’d get terrible stage fright and would feel very ill.

People often ask me how I’ve overcome my shyness and I just tell them that I started to pretend that everyone in my audience is naked. It made public speaking much more bearable because I wasn’t concentrating on my own fears.

The only problem with this is that most people in my audience are very old and don’t exercise much. They frighten me at times.

2005-06-22T10:01:00.000+02:00

I put too much flaxseed in my cereal this morning. That extra scoop was not such a good idea.

Saddam's Eating Habits

2005-06-21T19:03:00.000+02:00

A recent article about Saddam’s eating habits:

It turns out Saddam is also quite picky in his food preferences. Saddam prefers Raisin Bran Crunch for breakfast, telling O'Shea, "No Froot Loops."

Is the man that depressed? I mean, he must have some major psychological problems if he prefers Raisin Bran over Froot Loops. Either that, or he’s having some digestion issues that I’m not aware of.

The article continues:
For a time his favorite snack was Cheetos, and when that ran out, Saddam would "get grumpy." One day, guards substituted Doritos corn chips, and Saddam forgot about Cheetos. "He'd eat a family size bag of Doritos in 10 minutes," Dawson said.

I’m not impressed. I can eat a family size bag of Doritos in a little under 5 minutes. If you gave me ten minutes, I could use the extra time to dip each Dorito into a jar of guacamole. Yes, I’m that quick. Saddam is just an amateur.

About Last Night . . .

2005-06-20T17:48:00.000+02:00

Even though it was the Sabbath yesterday, I was deeply distressed. I’m not even sure how to put my feelings into words.

The last time I felt this way was when I learned that Darth Vader was Luke’s father.

Sure I’ve struggled over the problem of evil, but nothing could compare to the philosophical dilemma I struggled with last night.

When Detroit and San Antonio went into overtime, I wasn’t sure what team I wanted to win. I’ve been cheering on San Antonio throughout this series, but Detroit has proven to be a dangerous team and I do love cheering on the underdogs.

I felt torn and unsure of what team I wanted to win. I said a small prayer to Mary for wisdom and she told me to place my bet on San Antonio.

I made a quick call to my bookie in Las Vegas and put $500 down on San Antonio.

I was greatly relieved with San Antonio won. Don’t worry, I’ll tithe my 10%.

Need a Miracle

2005-06-17T22:48:00.000+02:00

Not only am I working hard to be a good Pope, but I’m also trying to secure my sainthood by performing a miracle.

This can be especially difficult when almost all my time is swallowed up with meetings and/or prayers. You should see my Outlook calendar; it’s completely filled up.

The Bible says, “There is no rest for the wicked (Isaiah 57:21),” but I’d also like to add, “There is no rest for the holy, either.”

I’m constantly busy, and I don’t even look forward to weekends anymore. And, as Debbie Deb says, “weekends were made for fun.”

I really should have taken a look at the job description before taking this job.

Anyway, I need you to help me think of a miracle to perform. I want to do something unique.

Forgive Me for Not Blogging

2005-06-16T22:07:00.000+02:00

I apologize for not posting blogs. I’ve been very busy—-as you can imagine. Meetings, prayers, more meetings, mass, etc. It’s been a little overwhelming lately.

To compensate for my lack of writing, please read the new essay by David Sedaris. He’s one of my favorite writers.

Gas Station Receipts Never Print

2005-06-10T06:32:00.000+02:00

Whenever I fill up my Escalade with gas, I typically use my Vatican Visa
card at the pump. It's a lot easier than going inside the shop and having
to sign autographs for my fans.

When I'm done pumping gas, the digital display on the pump asks, "Would you like a receipt?"

My answer is always the same, so I press the "yes" button.

Nine out of ten times, I'll wait a minute for something to print, but nothing
does. I hear something printing, but there's obviously no paper in the
machine.

I don't even know why I even bother to try and get a receipt anymore. It's
like a sick joke that gas station attendants play on us.

I thought my luck would change when I became Pope. Obviously, not.

Concerning Office Design

2005-06-09T16:21:00.000+02:00

When I first arrived at my new office, it was filled with a bunch of little statutes of saints with several rows of candles.

I’m sorry, but that’s not my style. I’ve never been a big fan of idols. Their grim little faces always disturb me. Besides, I’m going for more of a minimalist look. Statues of Mary and the apostles would just clutter everything.

Forgive me for a having a little style. I’ve learned a lot from the Home & Garden Network.

Donating Blood

2005-06-08T20:10:00.000+02:00

I received a call from the Red Cross asking me to donate blood.

I’d love to donate blood, but it wouldn’t be appropriate. I mean, papal blood is pure holiness. If that blood gets in the wrong hands (or veins), we could possibly have two holy people on this earth. And I can’t have that.

There’s only room in this world for only holy Pope.

Popecasting

2005-06-07T17:16:00.000+02:00

On my way to a meeting yesterday, an eager reporter shoved a microphone in my face. Here’s the transcript:

Pope Joe:
“Chill out, I’m not Jesus.”

Reporter:
“Yes, but you do speak for him, don’t you?”

Pope Joe:
“Well, yeah—sometimes. Ex Cathedra. When I speak from the throne of God. It’s Latin. Not sure when it happens, but it does . . .”

Reporter:
“Well, now is one of those times. I want to know what God says about the situation in Iraq.”

Pope Joe:
“Okay, are you ready?”

Reporter:
“Mhhmmm.”

Pope Joe:
“Shouldn’t you have a pen and notebook or something. Don’t want to miss a word—-a jot or tittle.”

Reporter:
“I don’t need a notebook. I can record everything on this mp3 recorder—and then release it on the internet as a podcast—or in your case a popecast.”

Pope Joe:
“My voice will go in that little thing.”

Reporter:
“Yeah, it will record it and then I can post it on the internet for various news feeds to get to it.”

Pope Joe:
“Pretty cool. Only the best technology for the new pope. Too bad Moses didn’t have one of those. Could have sent a popecast to the Pharaoh: Let my people go. Would have been a lot safer.”

John Paul's Blogs

2005-06-06T17:41:00.000+02:00

As you may have heard, J.P.’s assistant has refused to “burn the late pontiff’s notes as his will demanded, arguing that the papers contain ‘great riches’ and should instead be preserved.”

I’ve had a chance to read through J.P.’s musings, which are basically diary entries about his views on ethics, philosophy, politics, and soccer. I found them to be quite boring, and only useful to cure insomnia.

He originally wanted to have these notes on his own blog website, but he wasn’t quite computer savvy.

I told him that blogging required an Internet connection, but he didn’t believe me.

He told me, as Pope, he shouldn’t have to be connected to the Internet, but that his computer should automatically submit his notes to a blog. This was a miracle he hoped to perform: blogging without an Internet connection. It obviously never happened.

Stampede

2005-06-03T21:02:00.000+02:00

They just started putting my face on stamps, and people are crowding around the Vatican Post Office to get one. I’m encouraging everyone to collect all three.

I’m a little upset about what the Vatican Post Office had to say:

“Though people have lined up to buy the first Benedict stamps, the crowds are smaller than those that gathered for the stamps issued after Pope John Paul's death.”

I wish the Vatican Post Office would just keep quiet about that. It doesn’t look good that J.P.’s memorial stamp is more popular than mine.

Papal Infallibility & Wite Out

2005-06-03T16:06:00.000+02:00

I have a little bottle of liquid paper in my desk drawer, but I have no idea when I’ll ever use it.

Back in the day--before computers--I would use it to cover my typos. But now that I have papal infallibility (and Microsoft Word), I have no need for it.

In fact, just having it in my desk shows that I’m capable of error. So this is obviously a problem for me. I need to secretly get rid of it without anyone knowing that I ever even had it.

What kind of upsets me is that whoever ordered it for me either wasn’t thinking about my infallibility, or was trying to make me doubt myself. Either way, it's just very upsetting.

What also bugs me is that the person didn’t just buy me the regular bottle of Wite Out, but actually got me the “extra coverage” version. As if he or she expects me to make big mistakes that require the bigger brush.

Look, I don’t need the bigger brush, okay. And I don’t need the “easy glide” version either. I’m the Pope. I’m infallible.

Plumbing Problems

2005-06-03T00:06:00.000+02:00

The plumbing in the Vatican is terrible. I knew the plumbing was old, but you wouldn’t believe what I have to put up with each day.

Not only is the water pressure horrible, but my shower water is either scalding hot or freezing cold. It’s tough to find that balance on the shower knob. One degree to the right or left will leave me shivering cold or jumping out of the way. I haven’t quite mastered it yet.

My sink also clogs up every week. One of my Cardinals suggested that I stop shaving in front of the sink. He thinks my hair is clogging the drain. I’ve taken his advice and started shaving in the shower.

Shaving in the shower is a much different experience. I bought one of those “fog proof” mirrors, but the darn thing doesn’t even work. The mirror is always foggy—-with or without the water running. I end up having to shave blindly and pray that I don’t cut myself.

Such is the life of a Pope in the old Vatican.

Holy Hot Sauce

2005-06-02T03:33:00.000+02:00

I’m working a deal with Taco Bell to start distributing little packs of Holy Hot Sauce. It will be available at participating Taco Bells near you. I can't sell Holy Water, so this is the next best thing.

Playa Hata

2005-06-01T17:36:00.000+02:00

I don’t know if you’ve heard about the Parish Priest of Kilkee, but he’s been causing me some major problems. He really doesn’t like my views on celibacy. A recent news articles says:

“Fr O’Meara described celibacy as “totally unnatural” and “not necessary for the priesthood”. The election of the German cardinal as pope was “an awfully disappointing move,” he said. “I was hoping for a South American cardinal or a European, like Cardinal Casper, to become Pope. But the courage wasn’t there to do it. What they have gone for is a holding game, really.”

Fr O’Meara better watch himself. I’m the Papal Godfather of the Roman Catholic Church, and he’s gravely insulted me and the rest of my Vatican family. The only reason I haven’t taken him out is because of my graciousness.

Most priests (including myself) joined the priesthood because we couldn’t find a woman that would marry us. Nobody finds us attractive enough, so we join the priesthood. If you look closely enough at me, you would think I’m a Hobbit. I seriously look like Bilbo Baggins.

If Fr O’Meara thinks he’s good looking enough to grab a mate, then I say let him go. Good luck to him, but don’t start attacking me because of my views on celibacy. I didn’t choose this rule, it’s a tradition that we follow because nobody will marry us.

The Problem with Filing Cabinets

2005-06-01T01:15:00.000+02:00

I don’t understand why the filing cabinet in my office only allows me to open one drawer at a time. I’m often juggling between paperwork in the top drawer and comparing information that is in the bottom drawer. Why can’t I just have both drawers open at the same time?

I’ve even tried tricking my filing cabinet by attempting to open both drawers at the exact same time, but the thing just totally locks up. It's like I’m doing something illegal.

I want to know who invented the rule that only one drawer can open at a time. It must be the same person who says we can’t rip off mattress tags. These rules must be changed.

I need to invent a filing cabinet that will allow people to freely open whatever drawers they want, whenever they want.